I feel as though I am having a spiritual fling with myself. Leaving the house to go for a walk, to explore the streets and paths and strangers and friends I pass, in my mind and in the wind. Seeing purpose in each face I pass and feeling it all around me.
All the while, with a consistent buzz of thoughts, and furies and ideas and dreams and hopes and fears and joys. So much going on. All around the world. All around inside of me. things that are right. Things that are wrong. Flying all around me.
Does anyone have it calmer? Will I eventually as well? No buzz. No fury. No fear. Just… being… just is-ness. Just joy and things that make sense and seem so exactly-what-needs-to-be-happening-right-now-at-this-very-moment-every-moment-oh-im-guna-scream-ness?! I have those moments in a lot of ways. but I lack them in other ways. Seems right now there are things that keep popping up, things that are seemingly uncalled for, from people and situations, things that make me want to change things drastically (and no it’s not just my relationship! lol). It’s a tug-of-war of emotions and realities and powers and limitations. would that make it a tug-of-war of evolution in some way or another?
As I walk along I wonder what other people are doing or thinking. I wonder why I feel in my soul that I really do need to care about that, what people think about. What they don’t. what mind traps we create for ourselves. Do I need to care? I know I do care. I care so much that it hurts at times. It’s like that inner part of me, my soul, that invisible Mario that resides in side me, that residual “me” from things that have happened in my life, that part of me clenches in tight and stretches and wants to run free of the limitless human conditions it sees, mass destruction as well as self destruction in myself and other people.
Yet, underneath those binding emotions there is something so undeniably full of purpose, something joyfully real. Something that shows importance to everything we do, in every choice we are presented, in every one we choose. Something that makes everything mean so much, something with so much freedom, something I don’t want to waste.
My invisible Mario loves that side of me! Makes it want to run with me, not want to race on a head, or taunt my slowness and trying to out run me to victory. This side of me tingles with truth, tickles with joy. Frolics in the race! (I really wanted to use the word “frolic” there.)
Sometimes we can run faster and more direct, kicking that last invisible marios ass! Other times we lag behind, or jolt out into the bushes or into a toad stool, completely getting thrown off track, no where near outrunning the last invisible Mario. i haven’t played the Mario game with the invisible racer all that much, but im willing to bet the more times I played it, the better id get at it; perfecting the race a little more each time, becoming more and more accurate and controlled in my racing, and always beating my last Mario. Tho im sure I could only beat the last one for so long. Eventually, I’d only be able to run side by side, in exact precision with the last invisible Mario. Would that be boring? Would i want to keep playing that game? Isn’t it more fun when you need to do better? Maybe when we reach that point in life, it becomes our death. When we have caught up with our inner purpose, lived the life we came here to live, do we accept the joyful victory and then die? Will we then throw down the controller out of boredom and go back to life before the game, and probably look for a new game to play.
Anyhow. Way too deep on a Mario analogy. That’s some of where I am. (no i didnt completely edit this :p)