Bought a scented candle the other day...

...must’ve been labeled wrong. Says it's “vanilla” scented, smells more like “candle wax" to me.

One of those mornings… what?! Cant be another one!!!? BABY DRAMA!!

 Sometimes I forget (or am too lazy to reap) the benefits of waking up and spending 15-30 minutes alone in meditation, being silent and grateful for all the things in life. so not taking that time, sometimes, really posses the possibly of my day going unplanned or undesired.

It’s important to not let one situation lay the setting for the rest of the day. One or two “bad moods” could give you a life time of “bad moods”… if you dont pay attention to them.

When sleep is important, and when im not getting enough, getting up a half an hour before everyone else… to sit and be… is not always easy. (I have set a goal to eventually do it everyday. But right now. It’s a tough one.)

The morning ran rather smoothly, baby slept until the alarm went off (from the last time she woke up!), that’s a good thing- when im dying for “just a few more minutes”.
Big Sis was no trouble waking… and how could she be? I always wonder; she gets a puppy and a baby and a mommy coming in the room to smile and snuggle and, in ralfees case, lick her awake.  (And usually to the ringtone of “here comes the sun”. best alarm ever!)

So, then we all ate and got ready and then we drove Sis to school.

That also went well; “bye” “love you” “have a nice day” smiles

I was happy, but I was still feeling groggy and tired and a little blah.

Then me and baby pulled in the driveway. 

And everything changed.

The next 10 minutes were intense. (even bunny was stopping her foot in the cage! And when she does that- she means SHUT THE HELL UP IM TRYING TO BE A BUNNY OVER HERE!)

Baby drama:

The last 3 mornings she’s threatened to stay in her car seat, letting me know by the way she hugged into the straps at her chest, that she meant business, she was staying in this seat.

So, ok. I don’t OWN you. Stay there for a bit if you want.
“ok, moms going in, you staying here?”
she shrugs tighter, a lil more baby stern, and gives a very pronounced “hm!”
“ok, moms going in, I love you! See you soon.” 

I turn back around, expecting an arm reach from her.

Nothing.

Ok. I'll get out. Shut the door. Wait for the “MOM!”

Nope. Nothing. Ok. Turn and say “bye”

The first 2 days, that was enough: arms out, screamed “mom”, revealed by her expression she wants to come too!

But today. Pfft. Nope.

I turned away and said bye. And nothing again.
This time I went up the stairs and stood and looked down at her.

STILL NOTHING! This child is a rock!

Ok. I turn and walk to the front door. (surely THAT will be enough to make her scream out for me to come back.- but nope.)

I go in the house. Close the door, open the door and come back out again and walk down to her window, hoping to make her smile from the delightful surprise I was intending.

Nope. It pissed her off. A lot.

She screamed!!! Then I opened the door. She screamed even more!

“ok”, I thought, “I cant leave you here in the car we need to go in” and proceeded to struggle with her to unbuckle the straps (shes got a mighty bearhug!). Which, of course, made her freak out even more.

My soothing words were nothing but irritation to her.

Fine. I'll stop talking. Just unbuckle and smile.

She put up quite the struggle, but I got her out.
She flung dead-weight and tried to flop back on to the seat, but I got reflexes like a cat! She is NOT getting away that easily!

I finally get her into the house. Lay her on the floor and she goes nuts and heads for the stairs. It’d be ok if she was stable enough to climb up them, but today she can barely lay on the floor without falling.
Flailing around like a captive prisoner who is so guilty he is forcibly being angry about the entire situation!

I need to keep her from rolling down the stairs in a tear-filled heap, so I carry her up the stairs, feet and arms straight out in both directions, screams wailing from her throat. 

Lay her safely on the floor, with the baby gate safely locked, and she proceeds to reenact that scene from ‘the exorcist’… remember that really scary one?

She’s an over actor for sure! because if the scene in the movie went on that long, there’s no way I would have watched it to the end!

It took a long time and a lot of taking off shoes and putting shoes back on and zipping and unzipping her coat (and I don’t just mean I was trying to take them off and she wanted them back on, no no. all of this was inside of her! On and then off and then on and then off; unzip, zip, unzip, zip. AHHHHH!

Tho, my asking if she wanted to take her shoes off was what triggered it, so I guess its my fault somehow? Lol

Oh human kids! How I do love your ways!

So, all of that triggered this facebook status:

[babys] starting the morning with a tantrum to go back in the car. she wont even LISTEN to the benefits of meditation ;)

and ps: its not really "one of those days" anymore! things have gotten stress-less ;) 

Wisdom From the Baby Being.

Upon waking up in a pretty blah state a friend suggest a shower and to start the day expressing what I am grateful for, I heed the advice! (I've had a good many ‘grateful shower’ and they always make me feel better!) I took the baby and we ran for towels and to the bathroom.

Babies always make things better.

We sat in the tub as the water was running and I began work on my blah state.

Thoughts run: ideas of meditation; how it should look right now and in the beginnings of my days, a list of grateful things, sitting there watching her, being fully present to the lil life before me, and I think to  ask a question I have been told to ponder: what is my lifes purpose?

I ponder my own inner responses and then I look in her big, beautiful, being eyes and smile and ask her: what is the purpose of our lives?

She looks up with those big baby eyes and says with that big baby voice: BEE!

I immediately choke up with tears and laughter at how amazing that just was!!!

Then I Iook down and see where her hand was, and realize: oh she said pee!  BAHAAHAHA

Even though we were then sitting in a bathrub of pee, it was a beautiful moment and I'll take it as that!! Lol

I do I trust that the being inside her, the observer that was sent here to reside in her, was the one who found a way to make this baby soul say exactly what I needed to hear at that moment.

That, I am truly grateful for.
(and yes, we are also here to pee).


(My baby pointing at my new Bee tattoo!)

as i get older...

ill probably be deemed crazier... but i wont care as much, so it all evens out.

Who is “she” and why does she keep saying crap like that?


Maybe it’s the mass mind control of male carnal desire? It’s a very “masculine” way for her to be talking isn’t it? Or well, is it feminine because it’s a “she” who’s talking to men in those “ways”? I dunno. And lets face it, most males seem to get off on that sort of thing. Maybe some women do too, maybe they like the “she said” thing, maybe some do talk like that and think like that about everything and that its funny to them. Personally, I think it’s a fraction of mentality we could do without. Hasn’t the english language been tortured enough with the sexual innuendo? We cant even say words like “big” or “small” or “up” or “down” without people giggling hysterically to themselves. Why must the torture continue to grow? It's pathetic. Ever see the movie “idiocracy”? (if you didn’t, just look at the word and youll get the plot.)
People in my life probably think it's funny that it annoys me, but it's not that it annoys me, it just makes me pity them and the situation of society. There are far better things to laugh and smile and converse about aren’t there? Or are sex jokes the only thing people can come up with?
Ridiculous.
And that’s what I said. 

Attached to facebook? Pffft no!! ...


 …ok maybe a little… but I have the PERFECT justifications for it!

It was ‘homework’ for the enlightenment course. To pick something I may be attached to and give it up for a week and note how I feel. It could have been anything: a food, an article of clothing, any item, a way of thinking, a cell phone, even a person. But I choose facebook for 2 reasons: one: I wanted to get away for a week. and two: I needed to see the purpose of facebook in my life. And this was the best way to do that!

(here come the justifications!)

I realized that I don’t mind being “attached” to something that contains socializing with REAL life people; friends, family, acquaintances. I saw that I use is a tool; to spread and receive opinions and ideas and (to be all hippie about it) love. I enjoy reading (most-not all!) things people choose to post. It’s a great way to analyze local culture and individuals. (Tho, not an entirely accurate way, because a lot of people don’t post their TRUEST feelings and inner-ness on facebook- tho, some of my closest peeps message me and “let me” message them about my personal things, which i LOVE about my friends-- the trust!). (and I say 'local' because the interweb is full of people from all over the world, so facebook is a way to see a mass of people that are close to home, so to say. I love that!)
 I love the connections and support that we can offer each other, no matter how far apart we may be in the physical world.

The attachment that I noticed I have is: checking the feed randomly throughout the day- some days, the days im really avoiding my responsibilities and creative endeavors, I check in more.
I also noticed: not commenting on things slows down the amount of comments from other people I receive (obviously!)  And I think the people who talk to me the most were avoiding me to help me with my abstinence ;) thanks y’all! It would’ve been hard to see your names there on my cell phone and NOT read it lol.

I also love facebook for the comedic timing of it. It's hard to resist cracking a joke at a comment I read- sometimes they aren’t funny to anyone else but me- but its innocent and I chuckle, so it's all good.

I love seeing the love people have in their lives. With and for so many random things. And I love seeing peoples kids growing and changing. It’s all very quaint and beautiful!

I also love seeing the realism of: sometimes, we just feel shitty. Most of us do. It’s hard to not admit the stress and bullshit of life- some people would feel fake if they tried a lame attempt at an uplifting status when in fact they feel like crap about a situation. That’s the beauty of honesty- we get to relate to and with each other and see that we are not evil loners destine for depression because we feel crappy. Other people feel crappy and have crappy things happen to them, too! Thank GOD it’s not just me! Lol

Tho, I do think we need to combat that; to find more balance- we need to try and move past the crappiness asap. It’s a real downer to be negative ALL THE TIME (even during, or because of, negative situations- easier said than done I KNOW!). In some people statuses sometimes (including my own!), we can notice trends of more negative than positive, as well as vice versa.

Well, now that I analyzed and saw that I’m not THAT attached …. (ok ok.. fine I am! Lol)  I had to check in twice and change my status; one: because I wanted to remind people of peace day, that’s IMPORTANT to me (sept 21st!!)! and two: because of the hurricane.  I mean, I saw a headline that made me a lil nervous; imagine if that was the last time i updated my status? I wanted people to know I love them! (and yes I may have cheated a lil bit- sneaking a glance at a few updates and a picture while I popped on for those few seconds… might have to do a cleanse of some sort to rid that of my soul ;)
Oh and when I die, feel free to post really funny things on my wall... no sad stuff... only funny stuff!! Lol

So I'm glad that week is over! Now I can get back to normal and be cyber-interactive with the people in my life (oh, and for the record, during the week, I didn’t hear from many people or see many people that I see on facebook and im so unbelievably ok with that! I hate the phone! Lol (unless its txt J) but I also see that I don’t have in-person relationships with most of the people on my “friends list”.. but that’s ok too!)

Peace out lovelys








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HOW CAN I NOT GET THEM!!!?? ;) 

a scary prediction- that surely has purpose...

I think the human race is going to get whipped out on such mass scale that no one alive now will ever want to believe it, and the only ones left will be the ones saying: “I knew this was guna happen!” They’ll have to start the rebuilding and start the continuity of existence all over again. 

The ones saying they know we are going to be whipped out or the ones who experience an underlying feeling of uneasiness (-but would never say it out loud!) are the ones that are getting us prepared for it, they are picking up on the inevitable.  They are creating the thoughts that will propel the action.
Will those people be the ones left? Picking up the pieces? Rebuilding society in entirely new ways?
Maybe: the ones thinking it will happen are the ones who’s purpose is solely that- to lead the path of this shift in species, and there is nothing more for them to do. They serve their purpose and move along into the next phase of existence (ie: they are apart of the mass wipe-out!) (im talking about myself here, so I really hope we are the ones left who get to rebuild!) ;)

There’s no denying that there needs to be a shift in the way society needs to be. I have heard many people talk about this and have read many peoples writings about this (all who will survive to make this all happen! ;)  I have developed such a feeling towards it, such a knowing. Like I know this with my being. I’m feeling this shift, my body is aching for it.  It sounds harsh to simply say: I’m wanting the human race to be thinned out dramatically.  But in nature there is purpose in wiping out a species and starting again, you can look at the dinosaurs, fungus, mushrooms, maggots and more, so many types of living get wiped out. It happens in humans already! Do you think all these hurricanes and tsunamis are only by accident? I don’t think there are any “accidents” in the universe. Which is saying things like: the holocaust wasn’t a mistake (a cruel and unjust mistake!) Many would say “no way in hell did that serve purpose!” and would probably condemn me for even considering otherwise!? “what is that cruel retarded bitch talking about?! It was that monster hitlers fault! That sick bastard caused those ppl to die!”
And, on some level, yes he did. But maybe it was the universes way of getting a mass amount of people out of the way to get on with evolution (and there is sincerity and love towards all of those people in what im saying, of course- im not coldblooded!!)
Some people will be totally appalled by my words here, I mean, of course the spices going through the wipe out are the ones that are going to be all up in arms about it: OMG WE ARE DYING OFF~!?! HOLY SWEET MOTHER OF MERCEY SAAVE US!” in order for a species to exist at all, it needs to have a passion for survival like that, a love to want to be alive and sustain and a genuine caring and concern for its fellow members.
We need that. We need the love and compassion that’s left over after a huge catastrophe like that. We need to want to live again. We need to clean up and heal our surroundings. Like a dog that licks its wound or the white blood cells that do our healing.
We are all the same thing. We are those white blood cells. We are everything that everything else is. We react to the same things in different ways, different circumstances just appear to be soo complete different- but they’re all the same. When a dog cuts its paw, it doesn’t want habitat for humanity to come and build 50 houses on it. No no. it wants its saliva and its blood cells to fix it all up.
And just think, if we had a huge catastrophe around our city and big, huge blood cells leaked out of the earth and patched it all up- it would be disgusting! A much bigger mess than what we started with. Unless it healed perfectly like trees and houses. Like the scabs of skin that appear back on our arm—but if it had to look like messy scabs for a while, I think that’d be hard to look at.
Nope. Not that easy for humans. We have a lot of work ahead of us, we need to DO the work. Especially on emotional and mental levels.
Tho wait, I could delve deeper and assume: well hey, I don’t think the white bloodcells thinks its all easy-peasy scott-free healing either. They are the ones that sweat their lil asses off trying to get the place back to some kind of recognizable order. They are the humans that need to build houses and clear pipes and replace food and bring unity and a sense of safety back to the survivors.
Tho, again, deeper for some reason: what is the force that drives the unity? It's easy to say its humans, it's easy to take all the credit for the passion. But it has to be something much deeper. It’s love.
I am only now learning about the concept of true divine love. The deeper stuff than the stuff that is expected from our parents, children and family members, our friends or love relationships, or our pets, it isn’t just about loving an article of clothing, or a house, or a drink or a video game or a movie, but at the same time, it IS that stuff too. But deeper- all is love for sure, but there’s much more depth to it than most of us has ever thought to consider.
It’s about that loving connection with everything. With everyone. With all things and beings. Especially with and for ourselves. Self-love is important to making our lives our own. (I didn’t always know this. I was always waiting for something from the above lists to show up and “make me friggin happy! Haven’t I been waiting long enough!!?!?”)

Love is the driving force of creation- it is purpose.

So anyway, if we do get wiped out- don’t fret. There is purpose in it. We will be a stronger Being because of it. We will build a new global society of eco friendly, sustainable designs and services.
All we need is love- and a whole new society. 

peace love and dont hate me because my mind wanders in weird ways like this ;) 

*sigh* writing a blah blog


**sigh**

oh, im right in the mood to sit down and write the best blog ever!!
but this wont be it.

I wish: right at this very moment, all today’s “oh! that would be a cool thing to blog about” ideas would just start pouring out of my finger tips.

But. Again. No signs of this being that.

So what can I write about?

A LOT of stuff happened today, like it does everyday, how do I know what I should write about?

I could write about the many amazing and beautiful beach-weekend moments we had. The fire on the cliff at sunset, the amazingly warm ocean water, the meditative moments I had, the random conversations with strangers.
 Or I could write about all the wonderfully fun and amazing and learning adventures of my kids this weekend. Or any moments that make have posed some stress (they can always be fun to try and make positive).
I could write about Meg collecting rocks and branches and other things of nature, getting lost inside herself upon a bank by the ocean (watching her was beautiful!)
Or one of sunaras MILLION unbelievably cute moments of the day!
Or i could even add lil things like: when I was taking a nap with sunara in the tent and meg “sneaks” in to change her clothes and steps much too hard on an air mattress flopping us both up out of sleep in union-funny, yes- startling-hell yes! (I wonder did she do it on purpose to get us up? Tho we didn’t budge, we just situated and went back to sleep- hot sun and warm winds can help with that.)
Even a silly moment like: getting home and seeing the ice cream cone I threw out the window (for the birds!) had smacked off the tent bag and splattered all over everything.

So many options.

 There’s always soooo much I could write about; some of it pointless to even try to convey, some of it might pose some possible giggles, and I know that if I dug deeper and tried to convey a lot of things I feel ive learned on my inner purpose level in just one weekend, I could probably haul out some pretty inspirational stuff.

But meh. Its just so much information and after a beach weekend, I don’t have the energy left to pick it all apart.

Lord, maybe I need to stop this blog idea and focus on some fiction or a personal narrative or one of the kids books or a few more poems, or even start editing some of what ive already written.

I want to write. I always want to write. I seem to think like im writing most times.
Narrating my days events, or running with a funny thought or recollection, or enjoying a conversation with one of the many conversers in my life that could totally be added to a book.

Yeah. Im going to stop writing this lame attempt now, ill go read a bit before bed, meditate on that and the days events and get excited for tomorrow.

And then I’ll write again… some other time.

my dream job would be oprahs job...

i mean, to meet millions of people and try to do as much as humanly possible to help them, relate to them, experience them, really would be my dream job!
to be able to own a stage where people from all walks of life just sit and chat, vent, pour their hearts out, laugh, cry and evolve, really would be my dream!
i mean, check out the picture, it really is a plausible job for me... we are ying and yang, making one  ;)

thinks:

all toilet paper rolls should have written on em (in big, black, inky letters): IF YOU ARE READING THIS IT’S YOUR TURN TO REPLACE ME.
I think it’s a much better idea than my flashing lights and sirens… same effect, more eco friendly.

maybe i dont NEED to use "lol"...

but.. but.. i, for some reason, feel so.. naked without it... **resisting...urge**

...and that was from your friendly neighbourhood psychologist...

love running into random friends that aren’t on my facebook yet...

its like, “hey, we should keep in touch!” “hey we should! you have facebook?” “i do!!” **exchange detailed names** “yayy! Now we’ll be friends EVERYDAY!” (cue smurfs theme song for some reason: la la la-la-la-la la la la la-laaaa)

one random thing of the day:

theres a new toy in town: a set of play car keys that have this very loud, very annoying car alarm sound.. sounds EXACTLY like a car about 20 feet away. It went off about 7 – 8 times before I realized it was a toy. I was like, DUDE!! TURN THAT THING OFF!! Who keeps doing that, what is their problem? sheesh!? (automatically assume its some guy not being able to figure out how to turn it off, or someone just being annoying for fun!) (I know, im awful!)
not once did I think, hey maybe someone’s car is being broken into.. pfft, nope. (wtf is wrong the human mind sometimes?)
I didn’t win the neighborhood watch award on that one. Its not very selfless of me to sit and wait for it to stop going off so it wont annoy me anymore. instead of jumping up and running out to make sure a neighbor isnt getting ripped off: loosing a vehicle, some valuables, or at the very least, some fave cds. I should run out the door to see. Make sure some idiot* is not ripping someone off. (*I use idiot in its general sense, im not only referring to only guys here ;)
So when I turned around to see that sunara was sitting in the door way with those keys in her hand, I was relieved that it wasnt a real car alarm, yet, i realized I cant just take it away from her either, shes not “trying to figure out how to turn it off”… nope... shes listening to the noise out of pure curiosity! How can I deny her that? I cant. So I have to put up with the make-believe car alarm for about 10 more mins (but it felt like an hour).
2 things i learned from this: a lot about how much I can really tolerate that annoying repetitive noise.
And I will always and forever notice a car alarm and, if im able, will run out to make sure something close to me isnt getting broken into.

I love overhearing random convos between meg and her friend(s):

MEG: do you have a cell phone?
FRIEND: no.
MEG: does it get reception?
FRIEND (pauses a lil longer): no.
ALL OF US: burst out laughing.

A repeating, frustrating occurrence in our house: WHERE-TF ARE THE KEYS!!?

i swear. at least 4 times a week, one of us is on a (semi-)frantic search and rescue (b.c its THAT passion fueled!) for a set of keys.
the worst times, for me, is when IM the one who misplaced or forgot where i put HIS keys (b.c of already not being able to find mine, “ill just take yours”) MISTAKE! For 2 reasons: 1. what if he needs to go somewhere, he cant lock the door or start the car (tho, i usually have a system set in place for this: the car keys are on a latch-hook key chain, so i pop them right off, problem solved-- if I can find ‘em!! PROBLEM 2: if his keys also go missing, my heads on a chopping block! (ok, maybe not THAT dramatic, but close!)
it’s sad to need 3-4 keys for each vehicle- but it may be the only way we get to go anywhere sometimes.
friggin keys need a beeper.

household tip of the day:

sham'wow's are SHAM-AWESOME for swiffers!
i was beginning to feel really guilty about buying boxes of swiffer wet refills and throwing them all away after one use (no matter how yummy they smell!) BUT NO MORE!!
the big orange shamwow can be cut into 4 and they fit awesome! and when you put em in the dryer (without any bounce sheets) they become super static-y! loooves 'em!
sham-wicket!
(no they did not pay me to say that)

im a lot like dory on finding nemo right now:



only im saying: just keep writing, just keep writing, writing, writing, just keep writing

Eat pray analyze the crap out of things

from the moment i saw the cover of eat pray love on a shelf at shoppers, i knew i was meant to read it. i didnt have the cash on me that day, but i knew i was going to stumble upon it soon enough. then a little while later i saw the ad for the movie somewhere (maybe facebook? i cant remember where). and i knew deep within my soul (and i dont care how hippie-religious that sounds! ;) i was meant to watch, read, experience this story.

so i tried what most recently-introduced-to-the-wonderful-world-of-downloading person would do, tried to download it! but it hadnt even been in theaters yet, and its weird b.c usually i dont hear about movies until its been out a while and people on facebook are going on about them, but this movie was seeking me! (yes im THAT in love with this story, and THAT hippie-religious!)
i couldn’t find the movie. so i tried to download the book and hit the jackpot when it was the audiobook and not a text version! (reading too much txt on my computer gives me crazy headaches!) this audio book is AMAZING-- much better when the authors themselves read. her voice, her expression, her depth, her honesty, her cries for help, her songs of joy, the way she subtly expresses the various accents she encounters and her delicate italian, all make for an inspiring experience.
one woman who said she "tried" to read the book said she had to “throw it down” b.c it was “ridiculous how she thinks that everyday people can just up and leave their lives and responsibilities to go on a year of exploring these countries to “find themselves”” (she really snotted up her tone when she said that part).
and of course, many people cant just up and leave and go on a spiritual journey through three countries… but that’s not what the book is about. shes not telling us that that’s the only way to enlighten ourselves. what I got from it was that we all need to find ways to incorporate those main cultural beliefs she expresses of each of them. the pleasure and relaxation and enjoyment of food and drink of italy, the deep meditative mindset and dedication of spirit of india, and the balance of life and simple living in indonesia. besides, if we all (like, billions of us) jumped on a plane to go do what she did, we wouldn’t get the same outcome b/c all of us seekers and scramblers would over flow the place and change the whole dynamic and ruin it all anyhow!
the book is about personal discovery. personal analysis. making changes to live more balanced and in tune and honest with out own desires and purpose in life.

there is so much to this book that I could blog for days about it!
here are some of the things I jotted during the movie:

(even tho I mentioned this above, I feel the need to reiterate here again:

I think we all need to posses a little of each idea from all 3 countries: italy, india, indonesia. its about finding the balance, mixed with pleasure, trust, and dedication. when we are living in balance, the earth will then too live in balance.
this movie/book is trying to get those ideas into the mainstream media (even tho its tootin’ the heterosexual horn like SOO many other movies, but that’s hard to avoid, especially when it’s a personal story of relationships, but ill save the heterosexual regurgitation in movies rant for another blog!)
with more and more people in the masses beginning to open up to these ideas, it should surely help that shift that’s inevitably needing to happen.

(i also have paragraph bitching about the previews before this movie. i dislike so many movies out there… its always the same stereotype bullshit. again, ill save that for another blog!)

another thing I love about the movie is the choice of music. stevie nicks, neil young, pearl jam, all sorts of inspiring lyrics and sounds throughout.

i believe julia roberts. shes playing the role so well. how many of us have actually cried like that? pouring our souls out through our eyes, dying inside for change.

the audiobook was a KABILLION times better than the movie. the depth of which it goes into culture, history, language, emotions, they cant really capture all of that in a 2.5 hour movie (im also delighted it was a 2.5 hour movie! if it was shorter i may have been disappointed).

ive had a recurring thought throughout this movie: lord, i relate to THAT!

i wish i were warmer, it’s a tad chilly here in the theater.

getting married makes me go: hmmm. At least the only thing holding me on to my mr is my word and physical reality. i really don’t need a piece of paper and a made-up societal bond forcing us to stay together if we ever decided to call it quits. imagine! him having the power to simply not sign a piece of paper, bonding me to him forever! NO FRIGGIN WAY DUDE! lol

i walked through italy in a fight with my bf at the time. i relate to the italy part in so many ways! eating a lot of delicious food, drinking a lot of zealous wines, strolling along ogling every detail of the art and structures and people, all with simmering relationship bullshit humming my undertone. i only wish i had drank more and eaten more--I wouldnt trade the distance and stress between us at the time, it helped confirm that we were over-over. i enjoyed every moment of my drunken, full-belly alone bliss. following behind the flock of travelers in our group. i was alone. i was slightly sad. but i was in ITALY!

the thanksgiving part was much too different. in the book its much more tear-jerking I think.

oh, i love the scene where she's frantically being driven through the streets, with her hand out the window and all the kids reaching for her, i feel it. see purpose in it. will do that. with passion

omg her thoughts are soo much like mine!

“do u always talk in bumper sticker?” lol a fave line for sure.

i don't like how she seems much harsher with richard from texas in the movie.

the scene with richard missing his son was powerful, real. and need to be seen by a lot of people. anyone who might relate. the msg I got from it: forgive ourselves before its too late and make changes while we still can.

i cant wait to take a vow of silence!!! i've been saying it for years! but i can't do it with kids, especially when there's one learning the basics of language- that would be cruel. but i will eventually!

smile meditation! i LOVE it. a friend began saying that to me several years ago, it has stuck with me. and in psychology class we discussed the power of one little smile. SMILE OUT LOUD AND FEEL IT! (do it. right here right now! doooo it! :)

I kin’a wana.

I kin’a wana.. go, I kin’a wana.. stay an’ watch this, I kin’a wana.. write, I kin’a wana.. read my book, I kin’a wana.. sleep, I kin’a wana.. tidy up some more, I don’t know what i wana to do really. But it’s something.
so I wrote this.
and now I don’t know what im guna do when i stop.
maybe that’s why I haven’t stopped yet.
(a glimmer of thoughts of things eckhart tolle has written flashed through my mind just now, but I have no idea what they are or, especially, what they might mean)
peace luh.

just for the record ...

...those ads dont appear to be viruses, they are safe to click as far as i can tell.
i cant wait to have my own website, to be able to advertise for things im overly interested in supporting... thats going to be nice :)
breastfeeding
(i wanted to sneak that word in just now to see if an ad for breastfeeding instead of 'the other stuff'* pops up.)
*if i type the word here, i was told it will only reinforce the ad more ;)

you cant expect people to offer you inspiration...

...you must draw it from them and offer it to them.

THOUGHT: "yes, ill settle into a painting tonight”... but ended up on george street instead!

i love random acts of hanging out with random people in my life! it was such a fun night C.D :)
had many random convos, lots of mini-enlightening moments, mixed with a lil bit of dancing (b.c i dont always like to dance).

i feel my idea of “going out for drinks” has changed significantly over the years.

there was a time when it was all about feeling good, letting loose, dressing-up, dancing, and mixed with a young twinge of hoping to find a soul mate to share this insanity.
then it shifted to, feeling good with friends, watching and experiencing a band, yet still dancing ad dressing up and looking for that person (even while being with someone else at times *shrugs*)
now its about getting a bottled water, wandering until i feel energy thats most comfy, hanging with friends, being in the moment, analyzing the energies that i meet, watching my thoughts flow, feeling out situations, analyzing my own reactions, living for the feeling of passion and joy and seeing it in anyone in the room! now i just look for compatible beings, without the attraction. but. thats not always easy to get in return, a lot of people mistake my curiosity of them for attraction, but then I just politely move on…
i love live music, i love the energy of a crowd, all dancing out of pure beingness. (yes that was a little “hippie” --even for me!)

going to a dance bar tonight was such an unbelievable time warp. standing there with people dressed for the catwalk I felt very out of place. some people look so lost and confused, just starring at body parts, twitching while dancing. there are certain types of energy that i just cant be around... anymore.
that over-sexual-driven energy of the young 20's is really something im past. it seems so vulnerable and alone, putting yourself out there for everyone and anyone...just someone!
desperation, instead of inspiration.
ive moved on to inspiration.

ive developed a thirst for real-life people living real-life moments, being themselves in the moment and running with that spirit.

damit! there’s a fly on the bamboo and i cant find my camera! i could look for it, but its too late, itll probably fly away just as i find it-its gone now! what a beautiful pic that wouldve been- was... in my mind!

well anyhow, i hate that mcdonalds tastes so damn good. it truly pisses me off. the last 3-4 years i have stated every time i have mcdonalds: this very well might be the last time i have it!
sucks that a part of me knows i may give in and splurge again sometime, the last time before tonight was like, 6 mths or a year ago. something like that. i dont really remember. and thats how i like it!
so when i do splurge every 6 mths to a yr, i make a point to combine: liking it for the taste and justifying that “theres gotta be SOMETHING good in it!”... with... true detest and yearn for change in the processed crap we are pretty much forced to eat.

whatever. i ate it. i had a big mac and a regular fries (theres NO WAY i supersize and i like to drink warm water with it... cold will congeal most of it before it hits my stomach... and we DONT need that!)

well. it was a great random adventure with a great random friend. and i saw some familiar faces, they always make me smile :)