most non-buddhist moment of the day...

"na-na-a-boo-boo ... im more enlightened than yooooouu are" *sticks tongue out*

the moment i realized bella was missing...

i thought, hmm i havent seen bella up close in a while, i looked where (i thought) she was, under the chair in the kitchen where she usually is... but my near blinded eyes didnt see that it was a sobeys bag that had fallen there. oh no! where the heck is bella!
slight panic arose as i remembered having the backdoor open all yesterday evening... she would always go out on the step, but didnt seem to be interested in going any further... I WAS WRONG about that!!
i got some shoes and started looking around the deck and yard, i heard a weird subtle squeaking noise and feared that she was hurt... i panicked a lil more and prayed the universe would guide me to her.
ralfee then darted out barking her head off at a woman with her 2 dogs, "oh great" i thought, "now m going to have a lady bitch me out about the dog being off a leash (hear that a lot when ralfee does that lol) .. BUT the most amzing thing happened! frist she was smiling and expressing that its ok, dogs bark, i dont mind. i was pleaseantly surprised by that, and then she walked over to us so ralfee could meet the dogs... the first thing i said then was: you didnt happen to see a white dove hey?.. she thought i said dog .. but i said, "no, a dove. our bird got out". and she smiled and said "OMG you are the owner! i know exactly where she is".. i was awestruck and dumbly replied: are you sure?
(of course shes sure, how many white doves do you see in the street? lol)
so she told me that someone she knew found a dove and took it in last night! (LAST NIGHT!!! shes been missing that long and i didnt notice! it was a busy day and i thought she was a sobeys bag!! im a bad dove mommy!! :( lol)

the little girl there fell in love with her and was sad to see her go, but smiled excitedly when i said she coudl visit any time to see her. lol they even bought her food!! sweet ppl. i kinda wanted to give bella to them out of thanks.. but no way lol.. maybe if we ever need to have someone take her they can :) haha we;re going out of country for a year, wana dove sit? :)

so that was eventful. and our bella is back home :) (glad i didnt notice until 5 mins before i found her, b.c i would have been very upset lol)

quoting my way out of writing a blog, this is from women on the edge of evolution

We have not yet awakened to the kind of power we need to create those things we most deeply yearn for.

The fact that we're still struggling to have vibrant relationships and create meaningful, inspired lives is not a personal failure. It’s actually a collective problem we’re facing together, symptomatic of the larger evolutionary story we are living as women born at an extraordinary and pivotal time in human history.
The restlessness we’re feeling is a critical calling—a compelling impulse that is urging us to evolve the ways in which we have been trying to access the power we need to begin living the lives we intuitively sense we were born to live.

forcing myself to post...and gawd my finger hurts.

i didnt realize how much i used and depended on my middle finger-- until i sliced the very tip of it today. even now, i have to readjust my typing, though i can still type pretty fast, except for a slight pause during those letters that are used to that finger. changing a diaper is near impossible! especially on a fussy butt! and the worst break open yet today was when i was brushing megs hair, i stabbed my other middle finger nail RIGHT in the slice. really. hurt. and bled.

yeah. so thats pretty much this blog. (im forcing myself to post something right now- thats all i have at the moment lol i was working on a few lines of a story, so im tapped for the night) 
I always go through spurts of wanting to keep up with it everyday, but never seem to. It seems as though a million things hapoen throughout my day that are all totally blog worthy, but its tough to write about it ALL and near impossible to blog when the moment hits. and then when it comes time for “me” time in the day or night to write, i end up having noooo idea what to actually write. (hence the infamous blog about blogging! I bet i could do a total spoof blog of just blogs about blogs, or writing about writing. which are usually about how stuck my writing feels, juxtapose how much creative energy i feel inside.

just. keep. writing. even. crap.  

asking my 10yr old questions about "save":

ever wonder why the 'save' button looks like that?
what is it anyhow?

“it looks like a school”


That cracked me up. tho seriously, how is anyone that young suposed to know what it is?
maybe they should change it to a cd... wait. no. gawd im old! maybe it would have to be a usb drive.

then i ask meg: what symbol would represent “save”? She says: “an sd card”.

I think i just relazed im older than i thought.............. again. lol

and yeah, lets leave "save" as is. itll only keep changing. 

i call this color...

tunnel red 

this is the face that says:


one of my fave stumbled upon videos:

a gift to you from the secret scrolls...

The only words ive read of new moon so far:

“Bella?” Jacob jerked the heavy bike off me with ease. “Are you hurt?”

But i wasnt listening.

hmm. id like to ask her: did you correspond with him about that later, when you decided to journal about it, you know, how do you know what he said if you werent listening? lol
and dont get me wrong, i am not making fun of new moon. I havent read it... yet... so i cant nor wont “make fun” exactly, but that made me laugh... b/c im simple like that.  

so, for some reason, i keep thinking i dont want to read twilight or new moon- im like that with a lot of things, this is just one of them, but i keep hearing from women who are gushing about it. i see it all over facebook (and birthday cakes!) makes me wonder if i do have to read it? even just to see what all the fuss is about.

so yes, its pretty funny to me that the lines above were the first and only ive read. i know its a style, thats ok, but still how can i not giggle? lol

randomly going off topic a LOT:

quoting my 10 yr old can be really funny:
ok, this is not a true story: there was this big purple cow on the bus, actually it was murky yellow...


... maybe not the best place to tie the dog on?

nuthin says summer time...


                                  ... like fresh yummy pineapple.

due to complete baby-babble:

my 18 mth old shouts "DIIIEEE DIIIIIIEEEEE DIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE" from the kitchen.. what is going on in there?

i love how sunara says "balloon" ...

for the love of blogging*

Version:1.0 StartHTML:0000000167 EndHTML:0000011063 StartFragment:0000000454 EndFragment:0000011047

*and i love footnotes.  

the thing i like about blogging so far, is that its making me want to only talk about mostly good things, or at least, not-so-great things in a more positive light.
im glad i didnt have access to a blog back about 8-12 yrs ago. I think i would have put a lot of negative thoughts and vibes out there, b/c that, for some unfortunate reason, was where i was constantly inside with a lot of things (see how i just spoke about something not-so-great in a more positive way there? Yeah. Thats what i mean).
But back then, i think i wouldve* expelled many fears and angry thoughts about things or people, perhaps mostly myself. And im not sure that wouldve done anyone any good. 
(*random annoyance: ppl who spell it: would 'of' or could 'of', instead of would've or could've. the reason that it bugs me is b/c when i realized i did that, i felt so dumb! a prof simply stated: the terms 'would have' and 'could have' are shortened, therefore it is w-o-u-l-d-v-e and c-o-u-l-d-v-e (as she wrote them on the chalk board). now to some, the ones who'of* known this all their lives (*hehe), or at least found out and realized it at a young age, will probably look at me like im extremely simple. but they need to understand, not everyone just knows this kind of info! One must be told it by someone, or plainly see it for themselves.)

back to that....

i guess, im really just assuming that i would have been expressively negative back then. I dont REALLY know for sure. maybe back then i wouldve been too scared to say anything, especially bad things,- for fear of what people might think!
i dont care as much these days about what other people think. its more like, i fear what they may be thinking... wondering if the curse of human unnecessary negativity has them captive- like it does so many. some of our thoughts can be very damaging, unproductive thoughts.
so is it really up to us to change them? isnt that impossible? wont that be really really difficult? (i think: yes, no, and yes... and totally worth the trying!)

I feel this way about thinking b.c ive thought about some scary places my mind has gone (and goes!) and other places it couldve went, i also hear/read a lot of places other ppls minds go and usually are.
I became very interested in thought when i began reading (and therefore, thinking) about thoughts.
I cant remember the initial, definitive moment when i heard/read the concept of thinking about your thoughts, im pretty sure it was in psych 1001, maybe it was in a book, maybe it was in the psych book! But i do know i have read a lot of theories and personal narratives about the idea since and how it can actually change your life.
Its about seeing the direction of your mind and your feelings and emotions, seeing where they tend to be and stray. see how they affect your mood and your thoughts and your body and other people around you. when you begin to "see" where they go, see what thoughts you mostly think, youll begin to note which ones are good and productive and which ones are neither of those things! the next step: working to control and stop the thoughts you dont need or are seemingly wasting energy on. when you notice them and want them to go away, all you have to do is think about them, give them attention and wish/pray they just go away, and then actively try and replace them with a good thought, or feeling, or just go pleasantly blank- which is the recommended option of buddhist belief. giving those moments that space to flee is what ive been working to do. they usually get automatically replaced by better ones as time goes on! :)

someone told me once: “i dont watch those movies or those shows, i try to control what i let into my perception”. he proceeded to explain what he felt about that... to me, it was amazingly refreshing and freeing. it honestly floored me and forever changed me... (a person whose childhood AND young adulthood, resided mostly in front of a tv set! if it were not for camping with my nan n pop and exploring the world with my friends sporadically, i never wouldve explored the surrounding woods and experienced that nature, i wouldve stayed watching all that was flashed in front of me continuously! and missing out on the little nature i did get, wouldve been an awful shame!)

what he said that day, and some other things i was reading and learning at the time, really created a pivot point in my life then- i began first by analyzing the things i did let into my perception... so many shows and movies and books contained images that i realized caused damage and are not good influences! some images made me wanna cry and learn more about frontal lobotomies! i wished i could take away so much of what i had seen as a very impressionable child/teenager (crap im still dealing with in some regards!)
figuring that out gave me the power to see that it was now up to me to figure out what i want to let into my perception (and to try and influence my kids with it- i cant completely censor everything my 10 yr old sees or experiences, but i can off words and listening ears to the things she does, and completely ban mtv and the like! ;)
i now only want to watch things that are uplifting, positive, freeing, or thought provoking in a real way. i watch mainly documentaries or stories filled with real life issues, and some seinfeld or friends every now and then... for the humor of it ;)

heading back to the title to end this rant:

blogging is awesome. it does give you full rein of creativity. like my un-use* of capital letters (unless im being loud and adding emphasis), and my slightly deranged idea to footnote compulsively at times.
(*and my funny way of makin up words, pretending that theyre real. if you can read, say it, spell it, define it, and use it in a sentence- its a word. especially if the word is clear to the reader... like, i could write an entire blog: lkie tihs: wrods cdoul eb all scrmbled pu, dna yduo sltil kown wath i* mnea.
*pirze for the person who shows me how to scramble the word: i.

and that is all.  

you know what scares me more than terrorism?...

... every-day peoples negative perceptions, tendencies, mindsets ...

a snowy owl that captured my heart...

such an amazing creature.

note: there is no snow. arent they suppose to live in snow? it was 25 degrees there that day... does it matter i wonder?

these are the blogs of our lives... (thought this was the first post on this blog, but something happened!)

these are the blogs of our lives...
a B c D E f
 g h i j K
     l m
   n O p
  Q r s T
u v W x y Z
(lame attempt at an alphabet hour glass)
with the growing amount of blogs out there, it’s kind of daunting to some people to even start. like me. i sometimes suffer from a severe case of self doubt and worthlessness. thoughts like: why the heck would anyone read any crap i write? whats the point, people will only make fun of me and judge me and think im nuts?!
but luckily i also suffer from a severe case of over importance and belief i can help change the world with real honesty and humor and empowerment… that helps battle the other problem. and i think im more right, at least, its more productive, in feeling the latter of the two issues.
but another problem faces me as i dauntingly step into the blog world: what the heck am i going to write about? some people have specific blogs about gardening or sports or book and music reviews or sheer humor. i dont think i can focus on one topic long enough to blog entirely about IT only, nor can i be funny all the time (well maybe i can do that much?). i need to make up stuff as i go along with whatever is on my mind, talk very honestly about crap i feel and fear and love and loathe, and talk about my kids and pets and partner and societal issues and movies that inspire or offend me and other life shenanigans (crazy! I did NOT think that word was going to make it out of the spell check alive!)
speaking of spell check, its like a game to me. if the blasted red squiggly line appears under a word im unsure of, i have to keep at that word until i get it right!i have spent countless hours retyping words like convience and efficeint (not fixing them this time, just to show you the troubles i have).
anyhow. although im not diagnosed with a.d.d and my dr keeps telling me to stop worrying about it (even tho im not worried per se, just think it must be something!), you will notice in my blogging style there will be a slight tendency (had to re-type that word about 3 times there, but HA! i won this time spell check!) to portray symptoms of a.d.d. I go back and forth between ideas, throw ridiculous thoughts in the middle of serious banters, and run far too long with random thoughts- i do it all for the heck of it tho, so dont worry or try and talk me into taking prescription drugs or anything. i do hope you enjoy it rather than be annoyed by it. and every now and then i promise to have some tidbit of writing with a point.
so sit back and enjoy the random rantings and honesty. that is, if i actually keep a steady flow of blogs this time. ive been known to crap out for months at a time. and i will have very lazy moments where i will repost previous writings.
peace love and blogging

sometimes babies smell like yogurt and poo

sunara woke with a huge deformed red ear!! freaked the heck outta me!

check this temporary (we hope!) deformity:
note her left ear (on your right).
its twice the size and twice as red as the other one!
(dont mind the drip of soy milk hanging from her chew-face)

poor lil dumbo ear, i hope it clears up tomorrow. the dr said it should.

and it really wasnt her day...

here, as shes walking through sobeys, her diaper starts to fall around her ankles.
(note the blurry white thing by her feet- it was very hard to get a pic of this, had to chase her for a bit)
we thought it was cute and hoped she wasnt embarrassed ;)
(also note, the huge-mongous ear!)

random quote:

Ubiquitous capture — that is, the ability to snag any thought or idea any time and anywhere it happens to crop up — is a key component to nearly every productivity philosophy. You want to capture those fleeting ideas before they’re gone, and you don’t want to waste brain power obsessing over remembering it until you can write it down somewhere.

typically unusual napping buddies... 'cept in our house

                                                   bella                       ralfee

a creepy thing just happened...

 i dropped a bug (while taking its picture, after i saw it crawl along the top of the macbook), and i didnt see where it went! and then i thought i stepped on it.... ahhh!
breathe in
breath out
let it pass.
the bug was here longer than i think it was, therefore it was not planning to attack me nor is it now... its just going to continue its bugginess- leaving me and my orifices alone... i must get on with my life... fearing a non-poisonous bug is ridiculous...there are always bugs here... everywhere... somewhere. ughhh my mind just went crawling there for a sec... but ok... I dont fear bugs like i used to. it really took a lot of energy to freak out about them. i have now started to accept them as fellow beings and would never kill one in anger! even if they're creepy, tiny, crawly beings, who can fit just about anywhere, mostly unnoticed, *shivers- but lets it pass*..
lets check out the pic i got, and played with ;)

                                          *the bug thats missing in my house. !!!!!.

seriously, once you go mac you never go back! coppied over 500 pic files in like 7 seconds :D that added to alllllll the other things.. my gawd. its more efficient that the respiratory system i swear!!!

im unsure about this topic. so im just going to blog about it

when i was growing up, there werent many people in my life that influenced me with tings* like grammar and spelling or reading and writing or anything word related really... (*that word was a typo just then, but i thought it so fitting i had to leave it! Haha) So really, to gather the english language, i was only left with the questionable dialogue from my elders and peers, and my teachers standing by, handing out handouts, hoping for the best.
for example, in grade 4, when my teacher told me i spelled “soup” wrong, i stood up with slight, kid-like vengeance and stated: no miss, soup is spelled: s-u-p-e. “no its not tammy honey, its s-o-u-p” ... “but miss it is! I opened a ice cream tub that had s-u-p-e wrote on it and it was full of soup! So it is!”
im not quite sure what the teachers response to that was, and i certainly dont recall what my following thoughts might have been. looking back at how i really felt inside about discovering i was so wrong about something i thought i was so right about, i think it built up a fear of being wrong all the time. “what will people think if im wrong?” “im always wrong!” “if i was wrong about that, then im wrong about everything!” im pretty sure it paved the way for a lot of fear and self doubt, as i discovered more things i didnt know or things that i was wrong about it only reinforced my wrongness and how very wrong i was about everything!
i really did live in that strong fear for much too long.
i mean, im sure there are lots of kids who get thrown into language at the young primary school age with no professional training from their parents and family or private tutors. i just think, for me, not having people around me with good reading and writing and grammar skills and confidence with all that, i wasnt really seeing it or being influenced by it or being persuaded to care much about it.
that problem persisted inside me for 2 decades. that problem being: a lack of confidence and fear of study in the world of words and everything they include (which is a LOT! :)
i had begun a quest at the age of 20: prove somehow that i can “do school” ... so... i did interior decorating...hmm.. yes, not really working towards a masters in education or anything, but it was the next step up from finishing high school—or should i say, stopping high school. I didnt actually finishing it.. per se... i didnt have all the credits, i just. stopped. going. i was DONE with it! Let-me-out-of-here-before-i-shoot-myself kinda feeling.
interior design did include a lot of study and hard work, planning and words… tho, i was disappointed with that too, half way through, so i stopped going. didnt see the point in finishing something i didnt want to do. it wasnt stimulating enough anymore.
so (after about a year or so, and working a manger position at a book store for a bit, which helped me begin reading a load of books for my newly sparked quest!) i randomly decided that, if i were going to prove myself to myself after all these years, it would have to be mun, memorial university of newfoundland. i would have to figure out how i was going to get accepted to mun. with no high school and a student loan that was somehow in arrears.
long story, a bit shorter, it took me 8 months to get it all straightened out and i got my acceptance letter. I was friggin smilin like crazy that day ;) !! the first days were tantalizing! walking around the university as if i belonged- i never felt that empowered in a school before!
i had to prove to myself that i was not as dumb as ive been telling myself i was. and as difficult as that first semester was, with a full course load and a 3 year old, it was a success for me! i met a ton of amazing people, did a lot of amazing things, and learned so much about how much i can learn!
it changed me. changed my entire perception of myself and of the world and left me thirsty for wanting to know more and meet more people and to get active in certain processes of the world.
being at mun, and becoming involved in all the things i became involved in, helped me lose a significant amount of fear of looking stupid for not knowing something. i began asking proffs and friends and family and strangers to defines words they used that i didnt know. if i dont know a word someone uses, i wanted to know the definition!

so, with all that, i have since dedicated myself to always improving and learning a little bit more. even if the next time i forget how to spell a crazy word ive read or a bit of info i read or someone shares with me -- i'll enjoy it and then perhaps enjoy learning about it again! but i am done with beating myself up with the word: stupid... because no one is stupid unless they believe themselves to be!

im trying. i try everyday. just trying to improve and evolve and to be the next best i can be and influence someone else to believe in themselves. sometimes i falter. sometimes i completely screw up. sometimes i have no clue what the heck im doing. but during all those moments, i trust i am being the best i can be and will forgive myself my temporary losses of consciousness. im not living in fear of being stupid any more... wait. i think i may have lied there. i still have moments of pure self doubt! but its good that it's not my driving perception any longer.

ps: i made decision in my second semester, to not care to much about the strict rules of grammar and the nazi regime of capitol letters (i dont enjoy capital letters at all, i dont think any word deserves more recognition than any other, if you need to use the word, its jsut as important as any person, place or thing! (but sadly, i still feel the need to make it known that i do it on purpose, that im not stupid and that i do know which letters are suppose to be capitalized. thats that fear holding on, see?)