i dont overly care what ppl think about me...

... but i like to provoke thought...

spot the difference and explain things to me...

i thought this was interesting... the fact that in two columns i look a little different and a little "chubbier” than i do on the other two (quiz #1: can anyone name the two im talking about!? ;) i noticed that i more liked the two that were brighter and somehow look a little thinner (upon closer observation.)

i dont mean 'chubby' by much... but theres a subtle difference in size. also, in those chubby ones, I can see more details; like the lines under my eyes, the freckles on my face, and changes in color and things.

i guess i ran with this in a blog b/c of the things ive read/watched about the medias effects (especially in advertising) on perceptions. even the exact same photo of me can look different with a simple change in contrast. (i did the color for fun ;) and I think I like one more than the other b/c im thinking one resembles the images in the media a little tiny bit more than the other one does (thinner, clearer skin!)

for me, it poses questions like: what might this be creating in human minds—seeing altered images of other humans so frequently--not seeing the reality of how other humans actually look? does it matter at all? can it affect me in any way? or am i mature and intelligent enough to know it’s not real and to never harbor any judgment (subconscious or not) towards anyone (including myself!) who doesn’t look like (or similar to) those images? OR am i just overzealously analyzing something that doenst need thinking about?

to further the discussion, i dont really look EXACTLY like this picture all the time either. when i look down like that when i get out of bed in the morning, there’s no way i always look that calm and beautifully content-- no way (and i was pregnant in this photo!)

so seeing as some photos totally enhance my over all appearance, and if i am bombarded with unrealistic images ALL THE TIME… aren’t i left to compare my real-life looking self with digitally altered images?

even the subtle techniques, like black & white and sepia, can make me look a little different—so, imagine the pictures that are being created by big magazines and advertizing agencies!? (sometimes they crop pieces of several different women(!) and paste them together to make up one woman(!)!!! how unnatural (and untruthful!) is THAT!? why do they do it? are humans natural appearances not good enough to sell things or play roles in things? why do people need to create these unnatural images? are they really trying to make me feel bad about myself so i will buy/watch/cry/what?! i don’t see any point in it.

over the years, i really have noticed that i dont really like many pictures of me.
and i have noticed that same thing in people i know- not all people, but some people.
some times i only like pictures of me that have been altered in some way (over-exposer is a popular favorite amongst some people who feel this way!)
photos that look too much like me make me feel disfigured in some way(s)! it’s so awful! it’s a friggin’ pandemic!

by saying: “too much like me” i mean: showing any of my zits, freckles, lines, colors, dimples, hairs… that "noise" in photos that is airbrushed out of photos. the real life beauty marks that make our bodies human- those are the things i (and other people) dislike about some of my photos. The real me/us. Those altered images contrast and erase any of that! it’s kinda really sick if you think about it deeply.

its very… frankenstein. digital disfigured images making real life people feel like they look disfigured! IMAGINE!?!? What’s the world come to!! how can we give something that much control over us and not even really realize it? most of the effects seem very unconscious/subconscious (not helping one of the widest spread of human diseases- crushed self confidence!)

but again, all of this is just speculation— maybe I have no idea— maybe people don’t compare themselves to the digitally altered images that are smeared all over the entertainment and business sides of society— and maybe no one is ever consciously or subconsciously affected by it—maybe it’s just me…

and hey, maybe i do look exactly like this photo all the time— maybe.

i dont hate christmas anymore!

Christmas time is really a time that can force us to reflect on our lives a little bit extra. Really makes us haul out thee old microscope and get us looking at certain things. Analyze the homestead, so they say.

I think our subconscious drives--mentally, physically, energetically- prolly all the same thing really-- somehow all get extra heightened during the Christmas Season; perhaps because of some kind of pervious pain (or pleasure!) related to this time of year… maybe because of all the pressure (or happy-vibes!) felt by us around the holidays.

Everyone experiences Christmas differently. Some people become holy, cheerful, enlightened Santa gawds* spreading joy and love and apple cinnamon wherever they go! (*I use this spelling of “gods” to be somewhat, self-pleasingly, unisex about it. I tend to create spellings for myself ;) Some people do genuinely feel the “love this season brings”. They’re the ones who love red and green and candy canes, who have holiday music in their voices- not only in their speakers. I love that about those people! I may end up as one of Those people sometime! Those are the people who great tv movies are made about!

But for some. Christmas is sometimes not full of cheer and care and rumballs.
Christmas can be a very stressful, depressing time of year. It’s the time of year when feeling shitty feels like the only option, or maybe that it might be ok… hoping that all the overly-happy people are picking up the slack of the negative people, to keep the human balance going.

I think there are many variants along the line of extremes of what happens inside all people during this time of year.

This Christmas Eve Eve (not to be confused with Christmas Eve ;), I’m having a major sinus headache all day. (trying to work past it, but feeling exhausted and slightly annoyed is preventing the full relief I have been wishing for all day.) I’m not in a devastatingly negative mood… but my spirits have definitely faltered today.

For me, since the age of about 12-13, i vividly remember Christmas being a time filled with tears and worry and rageful feelings of being alone and isolated.
Even in the midst of huge family gatherings, full of aunts and uncles and cousins and more- I felt alone. Scared. Awkward. Different. Disliked. Depressed. Pitiful.

I’m not sure if the reasons for my fear and worry stem only from those two Christmases in a row, when my grandmother got sick with cancer and then died- because for years later the tears and worry and loss were brought on by thoughts of my nan throughout my life—I always said that’s why I was so depressed and why I “hated Christmas” so much (yes, for over a decade of my life I “hated Christmas”!)
I could just start picturing memories of nan and me and flood into a downward spiral of depression—and stay there- and somehow like it and hate it all at the same time.
But now I’m wondering if there are underlying reasons as to why I felt so depressed this time of year for so long. I always thought it was because of losing nan, my second mother. But, now, after three months into a spiritual Yogic Enlightenment Studies program, I'm starting wonder if it may have stemmed deeper than that—that with some deeper reflection of the past, I can kinda see I have felt unhappy about Christmas long before my nan got sick.
I think whatever the root pain is for me, it’s why, even today, I “suffer” from a sinus pain that makes me “moody” and “non-festive”.
It appears that the last 6-7 years has gotten less and less dramatic around Christmas for me… I don’t cry so much about my nan any more… and I have even gone so far as to say “ I love Christmas!” and actually get in the mood and love the decorations, the music, the colors, the smells, the excitement of the kids, all of that… most days (still some moments i feel the tug of bahumbug, but i quickly notice and it slips away again- for a while longer). And that is such a huge evolution from where I was when I was a teen- very dark places.

This holiday season, I’m grateful that I started shinning some light on some of the darker areas of my life—there’s still a scattered sinus headache, worry and stressor around this time of year… and I still have a ways to go before I’m dressing as mrs clause, hand making Christmas ornaments and directing school plays. But. I don’t hate Christmas anymore! :)

One thing that annoys me about this whole “blog thing”...

...is that after so much time passes and I realize I haven’t posted anything for a while, I start wanting to post something really badly, but cant decide what to write about and end up writing about the fact that I cant write (I have a ton of these types of paragraphs. It’s really quite annoying.)

So then I think: HAY! Ill pick something that I’ve jotted down or thought about over the last little while and post one of those! -then I see just how many blog-type things I have written, and cant decide for the life of me which one to actually finish and post.

I also have a ton of “that’d be a great blog topic” ideas… but I cant seem to find the energy or time or creativity to get into one of them—because it feels like SUCH a big idea (maybe it is, maybe it isn’t, either way that’s how it feels to me about some times lol)

I really get inspired to write new things by reading other blogs about so many other topics--I have  a million things I could say about pretty much anything I read, see or experience.  But, for some reason… I don’t.

And what about the million things that happened in my own life, with my own kids, friends, and family, self, and animals and whatever else—I could write a thousand blogs a day on that stuff alone! (but id be too busy writing to really get to hang out in the moments of those things… trying to live in the present moment can really bring writing to a halt at times. I need to make time to be present in at least some moments to write! Neeeeeds to!)

So many things I could blog about… so many things I don’t blog about.

I want to write more. I want to fit it in my daily routine more.

I do write—but I don’t read back, edit and complete—seems those are key factors in posting on a blog.

I should spend sometime very soon and pick one thing I’ve written in the last little while and try to edit it into a  blog. (Sometimes, something’s I start out with end up wanting to be turned into books… which leads to them being put in the folder titled: “ill finish this someday ” (which is equal to my: “ill put that there so I know what it is”. *stay tuned for a future post on what that really means*)

Wonder if/when I’ll post something else here.


Maybe if I played with the design of the blog ill be more prone to hang out and write there more.

Lets see…

If you need to think I am… then … I am here for you.

If you need to think I am… beautiful … I am here for you.
If you need to think I am… hideous … I am here for you.
If you need to think I am… a genius … I am here for you.
If you need to think I am… an imbecile … I am here for you.
If you need to think I am… a warrior … I am here for you.
If you need to think I am… a wuss … I am here for you.
If you need to think I am… greater … I am here for you.
If you need to think I am… lesser … I am here for you.
If you need to think I am… equal … I am here for you.
If you need to think I am… anything … I am here for you.

Directly Experiencing an Enlightenment Retreat... (an email to a friend)

one of my "direct experiences" (working on the question "who am i") was coming to see fully how WE are evolution.. evolution in action. it's only when we consciously work to evolve ourselves, can we then evolve humanity as a whole!! it hit me like a ton of bricks! right in the chest!
with that, all my self conscious worries fell away! it felt amazing to feel that much power and importance, in not just me, but EVERYone!

the other direct experience i had (working on the question: what is another?) was fully understanding and KNOWING how we are all one. we are one and the same. each and every person. i saw it with such clarity. i've always "believed it" but i never really KNEW it.. amazing.. and i saw that the thing that makes us feel "separate" from each other (and ourselves!) is the mind. the egoic tendencies, self consciousness and self dissatisfaction-- THOUGHTS!. the only time we can feel fully One is when we are present in the moment with another person... without any thoughts of past or future, or worries, or anything outside of whats happening in the Now of that moment. it's such a powerful understanding.
i wil dedicate my self to not slipping back into that loss of control of thought. being somewhere else in my mind when i'm in the NOW with someone (especially my family!). it causes me to feel isolated, and the other person can feel that lack of presence.. that lack of love in the moment.

it's truly amazing!!! haha!

my entire outlook evolved with those realizations.

(im now working on a book about it all (and more) !!
its called: "We Are Tools Used By Active Evolution..Seriously"
(i had to add the "seriously" to appeal to a larger audience lol show the lightheartedness of this beautiful theory..
I'M PUMPED!! and everyone should go to an Enlightenment Intensive!

a title-less poem...

if only you knew the depth, to which my soul could soar
you'd ride the waves inside yourself, with consciousness as your oar
you'd feel that depth inside yourself, because you see it in me
at times, seeing the truth in others, is whats needed to help us Be

i'm here to show you the light, the truth remains unchanged
the dark with which you hide yourself, is binding you down, like chains
let us all surrender to love, because we control our bliss
let's all open our hearts, to fully feel life's sweet kiss

© tammy m carew ;)

a poem titled: i am...

i am...

weakened by the weak minds
strengthened by the strong
sticking to the like minds
to surely not go wrong
trusting in the brave hearts
fearful of the weak
i will start listening to my own heart
to hopefully break this streak

time is mending
time is bending
time is full of shit
time is healing
time is revealing
time is every little bit

if now is here- it cant be gone
nor is it up ahead
now is now. its all there is
doesnt matter whats been said

change our ways
to change our days
to change this sad society
i shut out the lies and recognize
it's all inside of me

aham bramasmi it'll cause me
to shine my light on through
aham bramasmi it'll cause me
to see the light in you
the light in you- the light in me
the light encompassing
delight in us- enlighten us
and Imagine, we will sing.
i am.

© tammy m carew

(over) analyzing a dream had by a friend in a group...

“Then he says, “Look at the place it is so nice it has a lovely couches and sofas for me to relax on. There is often food up in the kitchen the ladies leave behind or give me from there meetings. I really do not want to leave. This is a wonderful place for me.”
We tell him again that he has to leave and go to his own home and my friend will give him a ride. He then walks over to a table and there is a drawer in the table and he takes something out and we tell him that whatever it is it does not belong to him so he has to put it back. We convince him to put it back in the drawer.
So eventually after much persuasion we take the man out to my friends car. I am on one side and my friend is on the other side and we help him get to her car. We then drive him to his house and help him in to the house. He said, “You know I will be back to that place. I will be back to the church” I tell him, “You cannot come back you are not allowed. You only go back there when you are invited.”

all of that symbolizes to much to me!!
The woman and her friend represent the inner, true self, befriending the outer, more human self.
I see that man representing a negative event in life or a negative thought pattern or belief. We want him to go. Want to free our space of it all.
Right away, this dream reveals the comfort that negative things can be afforded. We are holding on so tightly to these traumas and belief systems that they are being nurtured by us! Growing up big and strong because of our unconscious devotion to them! By holding on to past traumas and subconscious defects in thought, it’s as if we do offer these awful things a place to rest and kick up their feet! They get fed by the “food up in the kitchen the ladies leave behind or give”.
And ladies, as well as gentlemen, do leave behind scraps of emotion and thoughts to let this uncomfortable creature reside inside us, as comfy as can be.

And this part: He then walks over to a table and there is a drawer in the table and he takes something out and we tell him that whatever it is it does not belong to him so he has to put it back. We convince him to put it back in the drawer.”

That to me is so powerful! It’s revealing the actual power we each have as individuals! We just have to politely take our power back.
As john lennon said: power to the people!
We own our power and its up to us to live it!
And if we all decided to take our power back (like democracy implies we can): AT THE EXACT SAME TIME! then so much of whats held fast in our own personal systems and in all those external systems that take away our freedoms, will eff off!! (for lack of a more fitting description! lol).
Most people think: ah. We cant take any control (not even of OUR MINDS!), the government has all the control, or the oil companies or the media or the church has all the control, but not us as people! No WE don’t have any control over this kind of “fixed thought”. Not me, not you—just THEM, those people OUT THERE.
The only reason they do have any control at all is because WE are letting them.
We are sitting back and letting “those people” or “those things” or “those thoughts” (who or what ever THEY are?) take full control of everything! All things! Even our own belief systems and personal stories!!
But in reality, in many ways, it is US who are “those people” and “those things”. Whatever we are holding on to is what is affecting us the most. (yes I went pretty deep with this dream! (even tho it was had by someone else!) Haha)

I think we are all learning that we must not give up our power of being to anyone or anything, as much as we can at first, and then hopefully indefinitely.
We must hold fast to the potential of creating lives we want and lives that are better for everyone.
If we do start the journey of letting go and taking back our power, in the beginning it may at first feel very foreign and awkward to try and get rid of old ways of thinking or being in the world. For one, we may still be “so mad about that!”(lol) but holding tightly to negative memories and emotions creates negative life experiences for us.
When we cant control it, or maybe more fitting, when it begins to control us, we start feeling negative almost all the time, because those issues are always playing in the back ground (consciously or subconsciously), ruining our lives almost constantly!

This part, “We tell him again that he has to leave and go to his own home and my friend will give him a ride”, reveals just how polite and gentle we can be in letting go of past negativities and thoughts. We just want them to leave, go back to where you came from and stay there. We want to get on with our lives.

We need to take back our power! Let those thoughts go and work on new, more pleasant thoughts to enter! Make those things “GO HOME” like the dream says!

On facebook...

i wish i could like the likes!
like, i like that you like that!
but then it could get out of hand;
like: i like that you liked that i like i liked.
and thats going too far.

quoting myself...from facebook, about love:

i try to look at each person like they are love. they are worth loving and they each love back.
the more we offer love and receive love, as the intent in every encounter, even walking by random people on the street, the more love we will create and the more that vibrational energy will rise.
love is the opposite of war, i just know it!

most ppl believe in numbers. im not a huge fan (lol) BUT there is something to be said about numbers, (yes, there are lots of things to be said about numbers!) BUT if the numbers do "speak" then i believe that the more and more people that begin to jump on this evolutional "bandwagon" then the more it will affect and shift the state of the planet (the universe!)

that has got to be better than leaving things as they are, right?

Bella, having her lunch. She needs her energy for being the bird of peace & love.

“You should be a model”

Should I be? Why? So someone can cake me in makeup, drape me in fancy (or ridiculous!) clothes, and take pictures of me and use photofinishing until I look nothing like myself so you can look at them and see some kind of fake beauty that pleases you and other idiots, while causing unrealistic ideals of beauty for other women who look nothing like the picture of me that I also look nothing like?? Why SHOULD I do that? Would it make YOU happy? Do you think that’s all I should be? That, for being small, I somehow owe that to people?
I have a small body, long hair and eyelashes so that’s what i SHOULD do?
To please who? For what gain? Its all bullshit.
Don’t tell me what I should do.

Celestine Prophecies... (© James Redfield)

A new spiritual awakening is occurring in human culture, an awakening brought about by a critical mass of individuals who experience their lives as a spiritual unfolding, a journey in which we are led forward by mysterious coincidences.

This awakening represents the creation of a new, more complete worldview, which replaces a five-hundred-year-old preoccupation with secular survival and comfort. While this technological preoccupation was an important step, our awakening to life's coincidences is opening us up to the real purpose of human life on this planet, and the real nature of our universe.

We now experience that we live not in a material universe, but in a universe of dynamic energy. Everything extant is a field of sacred energy that we can sense and intuit. Moreover, we humans can project our energy by focusing our attention in the desired direction...where attention goes, energy flows...influencing other energy systems and increasing the pace of coincidences in our lives.

Too often humans cut themselves off from the greater source of this energy and so feel weak and insecure. To gain energy we tend to manipulate or force others to give us attention and thus energy. When we successfully dominate others in this way, we feel more powerful, but they are left weakened and often fight back. Competition for scarce, human energy is the cause of all conflict between people.

Insecurity and violence ends when we experience an inner connection with divine energy within, a connection described by mystics of all traditions. A sense of lightness--buoyancy--along with the constant sensation of love are measures of this connection. If these measures are present, the connection is real. If not, it is only pretended.

The more we stay connected, the more we are acutely aware of those times when we lose connection, usually when we are under stress. In these times, we can see our own particular way of stealing energy from others. Once our manipulations are brought to personal awareness, our connection becomes more constant and we can discover our own growth path in life, and our spiritual mission--the personal way we can contribute to the world.

Knowing our personal mission further enhances the flow of mysterious coincidences as we are guided toward our destinies. First we have a question; then dreams, daydreams, and intuitions lead us towards the answers, which usually are synchronistically provided by the wisdom of another human being.

We can increase the frequency of guiding coincidences by uplifting every person that comes into our lives. Care must be taken not to lose our inner connection in romantic relationships. Uplifting others is especially effective in groups where each member can feel energy of all the others. With children it is extremely important for their early security and growth. By seeing the beauty in every face, we lift others into their wisest self, and increase the chances of hearing a synchronistic message.

As we all evolve toward the best completion of our spiritual missions, the technological means of survival will be fully automated as humans focus instead on synchronistic growth. Such growth will move humans into higher energy states, ultimately transforming our bodies into spiritual form and uniting this dimension of existence with the after-life dimension, ending the cycle of birth and death.

The Tenth Insight is the realization that throughout history human beings have been unconsciously struggling to implement this lived spirituality on Earth. Each of us comes here on assignment, and as we pull this understanding into consciousness, we can remember a fuller birth vision of what we wanted to accomplish with our lives. Further we can remember a common world vision of how we will all work together to create a new spiritual culture. We know that our challenge is to hold this vision with intention and prayer everyday.

The Eleventh Insight is the precise method through which we hold the vision. For centuries, religious scriptures, poems, and philosophies have pointed to a latent power of mind within all of us that mysteriously helps to affect what occurs in the future. It has been called faith power, positive thinking, and the power of prayer. We are now taking this power seriously enough to bring a fuller knowledge of it into public awareness. We are finding that this prayer power is a field of intention, which moves out from us and can be extended and strengthened, especially when we connect with others in a common vision. This is the power through which we hold the vision of a spiritual world and build the energy in ourselves and in others to make this vision a reality.

Ntv cuts benefit concert airtime short online AND on tv?

What’s the deal?

A friend of mine posted the link on facebook, to watch the live streaming, so I, a person who doesn’t want to have cable in my house, clicked on it to get to experience the show; I wanted to share in that experience, support in that energy sharing-money giving spirit that was pumping in that building!  But then, probably an hour or more before it was over, the show was stopped and regular broadcasting was resumed (a scene of point blank shooting on NCIS. guh.) 

Why not keep the concert going and not show the regular broadcasting, just this ONE time?

There’ve always been tv show interruptions from “special broadcasting”. Like, for example: anything in politics, or like a football game, or some kind of shooting or murder NEWSBREAK (MAKE YOU LOOK AT DEATH AND BE SCARED! (I’sa scared kitty) (and while im talking about it: why not have some “goodnews” friggin’ breaks!), OH and when some famous persons dies (the whole darn funeral is aired) (MAKE YOU LOOK AT DEATH! LOOK HOW IT STOPS THE WORLD! FFREAK OUT! YOUA RE GOING TO DIE!! (ok, maybe that’s a bit dramatic, but not entirely wrong) (if this ‘funeral showing’ thing is so damn ‘acceptable’ and slightly MANDANTORY, then I want live streaming of everyone’s death who dies in any community or city in Canada! It’s only fair. Everyone is important. (Id love to have a file of when my nan died to play on my ipod now. (ok totally NOT REALLY!))

I’m sure there are people who feel they neeeeeeed to have NCIS playing RIGHT at that moment. Some of these people might even be sitting there making fun of the concert or at least sitting there wishing theyd all stop singin’ and START THE DARN SHOW!!! (probably getting increasingly angry at such a show taking up so much time…. and yes, I admit, there may have been, ok there HAVE been times, when some utterly annoying tv programming duing my tv days that hogged the air time from a sitcom I was watching, driving me mad and makin’ me  roll the crap out of my eyes: BE OVER! I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE ELECTIONS! (I was a teen, of course I didn’t care about the elections! And “Friends” was MUCH more interesting at the time!)
But still. That didn’t stop ‘em then.)

Who decided that this concert wasn’t worth the hogging of air time? To whoever that is, I say: screw you! Show the people of Newfoundland the rest of the show! Not fair.

 Like a friend on facebook said: “longer the broadcast with better bands equals more phone calls and donations.” And she also admits to wanting to share in that experience with the people who are getting to sit there and enjoy it live (like a lot of people would want!) I wonder how many people were sitting there? (There looked to be a great turn out! But, unfortunately, all of us couldn’t make it, and there’s no way the rest of Newfoundland was fitting in that building anyhow!)

Why stop the show? Why not keep that energy going through the airwaves? Why cut it off? 
 I would like to know the main reasons the concert was stopped.
Was it because of the station or the advertisers or, I dunno, cooperate sponsors losing money somehow? Or maybe Mile One Center, or the musicians, had something to do with it?
I don’t know.
Either way. It’s a benefit concert for Newfoundland playing on a Newfoundland station (and website), why stop it? Can’t you “donate” that air time and play time? Surely it couldn’t bankrupt anyone. (especially, to keep it playing online!)

That’s my gripe for the night.

(so i have found out that NTV wasnt allowed to air the full show and that some of the bigger bands didnt want to be on air! sorry ntv, i dont blame you! ;)  

wholeheartedly believes...

 ...the people who's role it is to stick stickers on merchandise hate their jobs so much that they stick them in the WORST possible places... just to piss off the people who buy the crap.

i dont care what you think!!!

so what do you think about that?
wait...shit!! damit!!
back to square one.

hmm.. have you ever...

...spent several minutes trying to open something that has already been opened?

my awesome orange cushions are (finally) complete!

finally have my cushions done! (been wanting to have these done for about 5 yrs now! lol) 
the final stuffing and thread went in last night! 
they arent the most comfy things in the world, BUT i enjoy looking at them! 
and they work well for meditation sitting!
(oh and one of these lil darlings is stuffed with a snuggy! (ya know, those annoying blankets with the arms??) hehe

the worst way to have eggs?

scrambled... with runny yokes.


im really going to miss these years...

when my baby gets old enough to run in the room without tripping up and falling...funny times. 

some nifty new things i want in my house:

the coooooolest fish tank ever!

the BEST sink ever!!

and a toilet thats now on my "things i want to acquire before i die" list!!

this is the website i stumbled across:


I once received 4 months of free bus passes in the mail at an apartment I lived in for four months...

...under someone else's name! 

(hated to move out... because of the steady stream of free passes!)

This happened when I first started university, barely had enough money for everything… and this little gift from a past soul saved me a couple hundred dollars that semester.
I was grateful for opening it and loved seeing those envelopes appear at the end of each month… a gift to me! :) 
I was grateful but also felt a little guilty about opening someone else’s mail, but I feared they would’ve gotten thrown out by someone anyhow or gotten sent back to metrobus (and then id stop receiving them-that would just be silly!)
and I know, I worried a little that maybe someone paid for those, and wondered if I had sent them back, would they have saved that money?! maybe someone still owes money for them!?
But, what if that person won them? Or did pay for them and couldn’t get a refund, and had to leave the province, so didn’t mind if someone else used them?
See. Makes more sense to use ‘em! I really needed them at the time and was sooo grateful for not having to dish out the bus money myself!
(I have thought of many possibilities about the come-abouts of those passes over the years~!)

(ps what the heck is ~ used for? I could google it right now, but im in the middle of writing and thought id be fun to fill you in on the random thought that came from a random slip of the finger.)

~anyhow~ (are they for decoration??)

I didn’t fully realize that I could guilt-free, outwardly appreciate these “free” passes as a gift from the universe, until right now, tonight (about 6 or 7 yrs later) (for the most part, I was afraid to talk about it b/c: what if I was arrested for opening someone else’s mail!). tonight, I read this status by a friend on facebook, and I really felt the actual joy and gratitude again for those bus passes! (thanks EB!! ;)

"Ok, so, you know how you're not supposed to open other people's mail? 'Cause it's, um, illegal? Well, the last time I went to drop off some mail that I marked "return to sender" (because it was addressed to previous dwellers of my house) the post office worker told me that when it says "addressed admail" in the right hand top corner, they throw it out. This is for two reasons: a) it's essentially junk mail and a waste of resources to re-route it back to the company and b) there is literally no address on admail envelopes to return it to. SO, I got this new piece of admail, decided to be really bad and open it instead of throwing it out, and inside was a coupon for a free package of the new Maple Leaf centre cut bacon in a resealable package and a hilarious letter from this website below! Thanks, to whoever used to live here and loved bacon, like me. It's a Thanksgiving gift. :D"

Now, I’m not entirely sure if the letter I opened had “admail” written on the right corner (saying this at my own risk I KNOW!), but this friend has taken any speck of guilt that was left about those letters addressed to someone else ... deep inside I knew it wasn’t completely bad of me to open them, but still, I held a bit of unease!

So yeah! I think we can open other ppls “admail”, as long as we do it with respect and decency. Just have to use discrepancy as to what we open and what we may end up reading.
If we have a bad feeling about a piece of mail, I wouldn’t suggest opening it, maybe our psyches are warning us of info we don’t need to know and will change the course of our lives forever! (yeah. There’s totally a movie in there somewhere!)

And if its something we really think a person would really like to have received, then maybe we can help get it to that person!

One time, I received a christmas card address to a former resident (who I didn’t know), with a christmas picture of kids taken at walmart. I knew this was an import gift to someone, so I wrote ‘return to sender” on it and then I poked it in my drawer, to be sent, for about 6 months, and then some mice chewed it up and I never did get to send it. I felt a little bad, because I felt so much love in my effort to return that letter with the lil note I included, so to see it go to waste after so long, really made me wish I had just sent the damn thing-in case the letter did make it past the trash can of the post office.

I hope the love didn’t get lost in the mail, like the letter did in the kitchen drawer.

cast iron couch we wana make!

We are going to [attempt to] make this cast iron couch!
we just need to figure out how to cut it... 
and then it's on to making the cushion (already have the perfect material!) and picking out the best paint at the best deal- and then paint it, wait for it to dry and lug it in the house!
cant wait to sit on it! ;) 

Cast Iron Bathtub Couch


Orange is my fave color. halloween has kind of taken claim to the   color and anytime i wear orange with black the rest of the year, i  know i get starred at and remind ppl of halloween.                  
well finally!! its halloween time again kids! i get to wear my fave color and look festive too! sweet.         

we've decided to try 
and wear something   
black and orange     
everyday for the     
month of october!    
heres our day 1!      

What a mess…

This was the result of mixing up a breakfast shake…


I didn’t shake it in a bottle and our blender is broken, so I used a whisk, and not in the boring “regular” one-handed way. noooOOOoooo. I had to put it between my palms and swish it back and forth real fast, like a friggin' human blender.
I was cool... for about 30 seconds.
then the whisk twisted out of my foolish grip and the puny plastic cup went flying (at least if it had been glass, it may have been heavy enough to not fly across the stove). 
oh well. had fun cleaning it up. not. 

Bought a scented candle the other day...

...must’ve been labeled wrong. Says it's “vanilla” scented, smells more like “candle wax" to me.

One of those mornings… what?! Cant be another one!!!? BABY DRAMA!!

 Sometimes I forget (or am too lazy to reap) the benefits of waking up and spending 15-30 minutes alone in meditation, being silent and grateful for all the things in life. so not taking that time, sometimes, really posses the possibly of my day going unplanned or undesired.

It’s important to not let one situation lay the setting for the rest of the day. One or two “bad moods” could give you a life time of “bad moods”… if you dont pay attention to them.

When sleep is important, and when im not getting enough, getting up a half an hour before everyone else… to sit and be… is not always easy. (I have set a goal to eventually do it everyday. But right now. It’s a tough one.)

The morning ran rather smoothly, baby slept until the alarm went off (from the last time she woke up!), that’s a good thing- when im dying for “just a few more minutes”.
Big Sis was no trouble waking… and how could she be? I always wonder; she gets a puppy and a baby and a mommy coming in the room to smile and snuggle and, in ralfees case, lick her awake.  (And usually to the ringtone of “here comes the sun”. best alarm ever!)

So, then we all ate and got ready and then we drove Sis to school.

That also went well; “bye” “love you” “have a nice day” smiles

I was happy, but I was still feeling groggy and tired and a little blah.

Then me and baby pulled in the driveway. 

And everything changed.

The next 10 minutes were intense. (even bunny was stopping her foot in the cage! And when she does that- she means SHUT THE HELL UP IM TRYING TO BE A BUNNY OVER HERE!)

Baby drama:

The last 3 mornings she’s threatened to stay in her car seat, letting me know by the way she hugged into the straps at her chest, that she meant business, she was staying in this seat.

So, ok. I don’t OWN you. Stay there for a bit if you want.
“ok, moms going in, you staying here?”
she shrugs tighter, a lil more baby stern, and gives a very pronounced “hm!”
“ok, moms going in, I love you! See you soon.” 

I turn back around, expecting an arm reach from her.


Ok. I'll get out. Shut the door. Wait for the “MOM!”

Nope. Nothing. Ok. Turn and say “bye”

The first 2 days, that was enough: arms out, screamed “mom”, revealed by her expression she wants to come too!

But today. Pfft. Nope.

I turned away and said bye. And nothing again.
This time I went up the stairs and stood and looked down at her.

STILL NOTHING! This child is a rock!

Ok. I turn and walk to the front door. (surely THAT will be enough to make her scream out for me to come back.- but nope.)

I go in the house. Close the door, open the door and come back out again and walk down to her window, hoping to make her smile from the delightful surprise I was intending.

Nope. It pissed her off. A lot.

She screamed!!! Then I opened the door. She screamed even more!

“ok”, I thought, “I cant leave you here in the car we need to go in” and proceeded to struggle with her to unbuckle the straps (shes got a mighty bearhug!). Which, of course, made her freak out even more.

My soothing words were nothing but irritation to her.

Fine. I'll stop talking. Just unbuckle and smile.

She put up quite the struggle, but I got her out.
She flung dead-weight and tried to flop back on to the seat, but I got reflexes like a cat! She is NOT getting away that easily!

I finally get her into the house. Lay her on the floor and she goes nuts and heads for the stairs. It’d be ok if she was stable enough to climb up them, but today she can barely lay on the floor without falling.
Flailing around like a captive prisoner who is so guilty he is forcibly being angry about the entire situation!

I need to keep her from rolling down the stairs in a tear-filled heap, so I carry her up the stairs, feet and arms straight out in both directions, screams wailing from her throat. 

Lay her safely on the floor, with the baby gate safely locked, and she proceeds to reenact that scene from ‘the exorcist’… remember that really scary one?

She’s an over actor for sure! because if the scene in the movie went on that long, there’s no way I would have watched it to the end!

It took a long time and a lot of taking off shoes and putting shoes back on and zipping and unzipping her coat (and I don’t just mean I was trying to take them off and she wanted them back on, no no. all of this was inside of her! On and then off and then on and then off; unzip, zip, unzip, zip. AHHHHH!

Tho, my asking if she wanted to take her shoes off was what triggered it, so I guess its my fault somehow? Lol

Oh human kids! How I do love your ways!

So, all of that triggered this facebook status:

[babys] starting the morning with a tantrum to go back in the car. she wont even LISTEN to the benefits of meditation ;)

and ps: its not really "one of those days" anymore! things have gotten stress-less ;) 

Wisdom From the Baby Being.

Upon waking up in a pretty blah state a friend suggest a shower and to start the day expressing what I am grateful for, I heed the advice! (I've had a good many ‘grateful shower’ and they always make me feel better!) I took the baby and we ran for towels and to the bathroom.

Babies always make things better.

We sat in the tub as the water was running and I began work on my blah state.

Thoughts run: ideas of meditation; how it should look right now and in the beginnings of my days, a list of grateful things, sitting there watching her, being fully present to the lil life before me, and I think to  ask a question I have been told to ponder: what is my lifes purpose?

I ponder my own inner responses and then I look in her big, beautiful, being eyes and smile and ask her: what is the purpose of our lives?

She looks up with those big baby eyes and says with that big baby voice: BEE!

I immediately choke up with tears and laughter at how amazing that just was!!!

Then I Iook down and see where her hand was, and realize: oh she said pee!  BAHAAHAHA

Even though we were then sitting in a bathrub of pee, it was a beautiful moment and I'll take it as that!! Lol

I do I trust that the being inside her, the observer that was sent here to reside in her, was the one who found a way to make this baby soul say exactly what I needed to hear at that moment.

That, I am truly grateful for.
(and yes, we are also here to pee).

(My baby pointing at my new Bee tattoo!)

as i get older...

ill probably be deemed crazier... but i wont care as much, so it all evens out.

Who is “she” and why does she keep saying crap like that?

Maybe it’s the mass mind control of male carnal desire? It’s a very “masculine” way for her to be talking isn’t it? Or well, is it feminine because it’s a “she” who’s talking to men in those “ways”? I dunno. And lets face it, most males seem to get off on that sort of thing. Maybe some women do too, maybe they like the “she said” thing, maybe some do talk like that and think like that about everything and that its funny to them. Personally, I think it’s a fraction of mentality we could do without. Hasn’t the english language been tortured enough with the sexual innuendo? We cant even say words like “big” or “small” or “up” or “down” without people giggling hysterically to themselves. Why must the torture continue to grow? It's pathetic. Ever see the movie “idiocracy”? (if you didn’t, just look at the word and youll get the plot.)
People in my life probably think it's funny that it annoys me, but it's not that it annoys me, it just makes me pity them and the situation of society. There are far better things to laugh and smile and converse about aren’t there? Or are sex jokes the only thing people can come up with?
And that’s what I said. 

Attached to facebook? Pffft no!! ...

 …ok maybe a little… but I have the PERFECT justifications for it!

It was ‘homework’ for the enlightenment course. To pick something I may be attached to and give it up for a week and note how I feel. It could have been anything: a food, an article of clothing, any item, a way of thinking, a cell phone, even a person. But I choose facebook for 2 reasons: one: I wanted to get away for a week. and two: I needed to see the purpose of facebook in my life. And this was the best way to do that!

(here come the justifications!)

I realized that I don’t mind being “attached” to something that contains socializing with REAL life people; friends, family, acquaintances. I saw that I use is a tool; to spread and receive opinions and ideas and (to be all hippie about it) love. I enjoy reading (most-not all!) things people choose to post. It’s a great way to analyze local culture and individuals. (Tho, not an entirely accurate way, because a lot of people don’t post their TRUEST feelings and inner-ness on facebook- tho, some of my closest peeps message me and “let me” message them about my personal things, which i LOVE about my friends-- the trust!). (and I say 'local' because the interweb is full of people from all over the world, so facebook is a way to see a mass of people that are close to home, so to say. I love that!)
 I love the connections and support that we can offer each other, no matter how far apart we may be in the physical world.

The attachment that I noticed I have is: checking the feed randomly throughout the day- some days, the days im really avoiding my responsibilities and creative endeavors, I check in more.
I also noticed: not commenting on things slows down the amount of comments from other people I receive (obviously!)  And I think the people who talk to me the most were avoiding me to help me with my abstinence ;) thanks y’all! It would’ve been hard to see your names there on my cell phone and NOT read it lol.

I also love facebook for the comedic timing of it. It's hard to resist cracking a joke at a comment I read- sometimes they aren’t funny to anyone else but me- but its innocent and I chuckle, so it's all good.

I love seeing the love people have in their lives. With and for so many random things. And I love seeing peoples kids growing and changing. It’s all very quaint and beautiful!

I also love seeing the realism of: sometimes, we just feel shitty. Most of us do. It’s hard to not admit the stress and bullshit of life- some people would feel fake if they tried a lame attempt at an uplifting status when in fact they feel like crap about a situation. That’s the beauty of honesty- we get to relate to and with each other and see that we are not evil loners destine for depression because we feel crappy. Other people feel crappy and have crappy things happen to them, too! Thank GOD it’s not just me! Lol

Tho, I do think we need to combat that; to find more balance- we need to try and move past the crappiness asap. It’s a real downer to be negative ALL THE TIME (even during, or because of, negative situations- easier said than done I KNOW!). In some people statuses sometimes (including my own!), we can notice trends of more negative than positive, as well as vice versa.

Well, now that I analyzed and saw that I’m not THAT attached …. (ok ok.. fine I am! Lol)  I had to check in twice and change my status; one: because I wanted to remind people of peace day, that’s IMPORTANT to me (sept 21st!!)! and two: because of the hurricane.  I mean, I saw a headline that made me a lil nervous; imagine if that was the last time i updated my status? I wanted people to know I love them! (and yes I may have cheated a lil bit- sneaking a glance at a few updates and a picture while I popped on for those few seconds… might have to do a cleanse of some sort to rid that of my soul ;)
Oh and when I die, feel free to post really funny things on my wall... no sad stuff... only funny stuff!! Lol

So I'm glad that week is over! Now I can get back to normal and be cyber-interactive with the people in my life (oh, and for the record, during the week, I didn’t hear from many people or see many people that I see on facebook and im so unbelievably ok with that! I hate the phone! Lol (unless its txt J) but I also see that I don’t have in-person relationships with most of the people on my “friends list”.. but that’s ok too!)

Peace out lovelys

DREAM BOOTS!! plus vegan AND for a good cause!!


not only are these boots GORGEOUS! but they’re vegan-friendly, using recycled plastic bottles and hemp!!
PLUS! this is their mandate!! : "With every pair you purchase, TOMS will give a pair of new shoes to a child in need. One for One. Using the purchasing power of individuals to benefit the greater good is what we're all about."


a scary prediction- that surely has purpose...

I think the human race is going to get whipped out on such mass scale that no one alive now will ever want to believe it, and the only ones left will be the ones saying: “I knew this was guna happen!” They’ll have to start the rebuilding and start the continuity of existence all over again. 

The ones saying they know we are going to be whipped out or the ones who experience an underlying feeling of uneasiness (-but would never say it out loud!) are the ones that are getting us prepared for it, they are picking up on the inevitable.  They are creating the thoughts that will propel the action.
Will those people be the ones left? Picking up the pieces? Rebuilding society in entirely new ways?
Maybe: the ones thinking it will happen are the ones who’s purpose is solely that- to lead the path of this shift in species, and there is nothing more for them to do. They serve their purpose and move along into the next phase of existence (ie: they are apart of the mass wipe-out!) (im talking about myself here, so I really hope we are the ones left who get to rebuild!) ;)

There’s no denying that there needs to be a shift in the way society needs to be. I have heard many people talk about this and have read many peoples writings about this (all who will survive to make this all happen! ;)  I have developed such a feeling towards it, such a knowing. Like I know this with my being. I’m feeling this shift, my body is aching for it.  It sounds harsh to simply say: I’m wanting the human race to be thinned out dramatically.  But in nature there is purpose in wiping out a species and starting again, you can look at the dinosaurs, fungus, mushrooms, maggots and more, so many types of living get wiped out. It happens in humans already! Do you think all these hurricanes and tsunamis are only by accident? I don’t think there are any “accidents” in the universe. Which is saying things like: the holocaust wasn’t a mistake (a cruel and unjust mistake!) Many would say “no way in hell did that serve purpose!” and would probably condemn me for even considering otherwise!? “what is that cruel retarded bitch talking about?! It was that monster hitlers fault! That sick bastard caused those ppl to die!”
And, on some level, yes he did. But maybe it was the universes way of getting a mass amount of people out of the way to get on with evolution (and there is sincerity and love towards all of those people in what im saying, of course- im not coldblooded!!)
Some people will be totally appalled by my words here, I mean, of course the spices going through the wipe out are the ones that are going to be all up in arms about it: OMG WE ARE DYING OFF~!?! HOLY SWEET MOTHER OF MERCEY SAAVE US!” in order for a species to exist at all, it needs to have a passion for survival like that, a love to want to be alive and sustain and a genuine caring and concern for its fellow members.
We need that. We need the love and compassion that’s left over after a huge catastrophe like that. We need to want to live again. We need to clean up and heal our surroundings. Like a dog that licks its wound or the white blood cells that do our healing.
We are all the same thing. We are those white blood cells. We are everything that everything else is. We react to the same things in different ways, different circumstances just appear to be soo complete different- but they’re all the same. When a dog cuts its paw, it doesn’t want habitat for humanity to come and build 50 houses on it. No no. it wants its saliva and its blood cells to fix it all up.
And just think, if we had a huge catastrophe around our city and big, huge blood cells leaked out of the earth and patched it all up- it would be disgusting! A much bigger mess than what we started with. Unless it healed perfectly like trees and houses. Like the scabs of skin that appear back on our arm—but if it had to look like messy scabs for a while, I think that’d be hard to look at.
Nope. Not that easy for humans. We have a lot of work ahead of us, we need to DO the work. Especially on emotional and mental levels.
Tho wait, I could delve deeper and assume: well hey, I don’t think the white bloodcells thinks its all easy-peasy scott-free healing either. They are the ones that sweat their lil asses off trying to get the place back to some kind of recognizable order. They are the humans that need to build houses and clear pipes and replace food and bring unity and a sense of safety back to the survivors.
Tho, again, deeper for some reason: what is the force that drives the unity? It's easy to say its humans, it's easy to take all the credit for the passion. But it has to be something much deeper. It’s love.
I am only now learning about the concept of true divine love. The deeper stuff than the stuff that is expected from our parents, children and family members, our friends or love relationships, or our pets, it isn’t just about loving an article of clothing, or a house, or a drink or a video game or a movie, but at the same time, it IS that stuff too. But deeper- all is love for sure, but there’s much more depth to it than most of us has ever thought to consider.
It’s about that loving connection with everything. With everyone. With all things and beings. Especially with and for ourselves. Self-love is important to making our lives our own. (I didn’t always know this. I was always waiting for something from the above lists to show up and “make me friggin happy! Haven’t I been waiting long enough!!?!?”)

Love is the driving force of creation- it is purpose.

So anyway, if we do get wiped out- don’t fret. There is purpose in it. We will be a stronger Being because of it. We will build a new global society of eco friendly, sustainable designs and services.
All we need is love- and a whole new society. 

peace love and dont hate me because my mind wanders in weird ways like this ;) 

*sigh* writing a blah blog


oh, im right in the mood to sit down and write the best blog ever!!
but this wont be it.

I wish: right at this very moment, all today’s “oh! that would be a cool thing to blog about” ideas would just start pouring out of my finger tips.

But. Again. No signs of this being that.

So what can I write about?

A LOT of stuff happened today, like it does everyday, how do I know what I should write about?

I could write about the many amazing and beautiful beach-weekend moments we had. The fire on the cliff at sunset, the amazingly warm ocean water, the meditative moments I had, the random conversations with strangers.
 Or I could write about all the wonderfully fun and amazing and learning adventures of my kids this weekend. Or any moments that make have posed some stress (they can always be fun to try and make positive).
I could write about Meg collecting rocks and branches and other things of nature, getting lost inside herself upon a bank by the ocean (watching her was beautiful!)
Or one of sunaras MILLION unbelievably cute moments of the day!
Or i could even add lil things like: when I was taking a nap with sunara in the tent and meg “sneaks” in to change her clothes and steps much too hard on an air mattress flopping us both up out of sleep in union-funny, yes- startling-hell yes! (I wonder did she do it on purpose to get us up? Tho we didn’t budge, we just situated and went back to sleep- hot sun and warm winds can help with that.)
Even a silly moment like: getting home and seeing the ice cream cone I threw out the window (for the birds!) had smacked off the tent bag and splattered all over everything.

So many options.

 There’s always soooo much I could write about; some of it pointless to even try to convey, some of it might pose some possible giggles, and I know that if I dug deeper and tried to convey a lot of things I feel ive learned on my inner purpose level in just one weekend, I could probably haul out some pretty inspirational stuff.

But meh. Its just so much information and after a beach weekend, I don’t have the energy left to pick it all apart.

Lord, maybe I need to stop this blog idea and focus on some fiction or a personal narrative or one of the kids books or a few more poems, or even start editing some of what ive already written.

I want to write. I always want to write. I seem to think like im writing most times.
Narrating my days events, or running with a funny thought or recollection, or enjoying a conversation with one of the many conversers in my life that could totally be added to a book.

Yeah. Im going to stop writing this lame attempt now, ill go read a bit before bed, meditate on that and the days events and get excited for tomorrow.

And then I’ll write again… some other time.

my dream job would be oprahs job...

i mean, to meet millions of people and try to do as much as humanly possible to help them, relate to them, experience them, really would be my dream job!
to be able to own a stage where people from all walks of life just sit and chat, vent, pour their hearts out, laugh, cry and evolve, really would be my dream!
i mean, check out the picture, it really is a plausible job for me... we are ying and yang, making one  ;)


all toilet paper rolls should have written on em (in big, black, inky letters): IF YOU ARE READING THIS IT’S YOUR TURN TO REPLACE ME.
I think it’s a much better idea than my flashing lights and sirens… same effect, more eco friendly.

maybe i dont NEED to use "lol"...

but.. but.. i, for some reason, feel so.. naked without it... **resisting...urge**

...and that was from your friendly neighbourhood psychologist...

love running into random friends that aren’t on my facebook yet...

its like, “hey, we should keep in touch!” “hey we should! you have facebook?” “i do!!” **exchange detailed names** “yayy! Now we’ll be friends EVERYDAY!” (cue smurfs theme song for some reason: la la la-la-la-la la la la la-laaaa)

one random thing of the day:

theres a new toy in town: a set of play car keys that have this very loud, very annoying car alarm sound.. sounds EXACTLY like a car about 20 feet away. It went off about 7 – 8 times before I realized it was a toy. I was like, DUDE!! TURN THAT THING OFF!! Who keeps doing that, what is their problem? sheesh!? (automatically assume its some guy not being able to figure out how to turn it off, or someone just being annoying for fun!) (I know, im awful!)
not once did I think, hey maybe someone’s car is being broken into.. pfft, nope. (wtf is wrong the human mind sometimes?)
I didn’t win the neighborhood watch award on that one. Its not very selfless of me to sit and wait for it to stop going off so it wont annoy me anymore. instead of jumping up and running out to make sure a neighbor isnt getting ripped off: loosing a vehicle, some valuables, or at the very least, some fave cds. I should run out the door to see. Make sure some idiot* is not ripping someone off. (*I use idiot in its general sense, im not only referring to only guys here ;)
So when I turned around to see that sunara was sitting in the door way with those keys in her hand, I was relieved that it wasnt a real car alarm, yet, i realized I cant just take it away from her either, shes not “trying to figure out how to turn it off”… nope... shes listening to the noise out of pure curiosity! How can I deny her that? I cant. So I have to put up with the make-believe car alarm for about 10 more mins (but it felt like an hour).
2 things i learned from this: a lot about how much I can really tolerate that annoying repetitive noise.
And I will always and forever notice a car alarm and, if im able, will run out to make sure something close to me isnt getting broken into.

I love overhearing random convos between meg and her friend(s):

MEG: do you have a cell phone?
MEG: does it get reception?
FRIEND (pauses a lil longer): no.
ALL OF US: burst out laughing.

A repeating, frustrating occurrence in our house: WHERE-TF ARE THE KEYS!!?

i swear. at least 4 times a week, one of us is on a (semi-)frantic search and rescue (b.c its THAT passion fueled!) for a set of keys.
the worst times, for me, is when IM the one who misplaced or forgot where i put HIS keys (b.c of already not being able to find mine, “ill just take yours”) MISTAKE! For 2 reasons: 1. what if he needs to go somewhere, he cant lock the door or start the car (tho, i usually have a system set in place for this: the car keys are on a latch-hook key chain, so i pop them right off, problem solved-- if I can find ‘em!! PROBLEM 2: if his keys also go missing, my heads on a chopping block! (ok, maybe not THAT dramatic, but close!)
it’s sad to need 3-4 keys for each vehicle- but it may be the only way we get to go anywhere sometimes.
friggin keys need a beeper.

household tip of the day:

sham'wow's are SHAM-AWESOME for swiffers!
i was beginning to feel really guilty about buying boxes of swiffer wet refills and throwing them all away after one use (no matter how yummy they smell!) BUT NO MORE!!
the big orange shamwow can be cut into 4 and they fit awesome! and when you put em in the dryer (without any bounce sheets) they become super static-y! loooves 'em!
(no they did not pay me to say that)

im a lot like dory on finding nemo right now:

only im saying: just keep writing, just keep writing, writing, writing, just keep writing

Eat pray analyze the crap out of things

from the moment i saw the cover of eat pray love on a shelf at shoppers, i knew i was meant to read it. i didnt have the cash on me that day, but i knew i was going to stumble upon it soon enough. then a little while later i saw the ad for the movie somewhere (maybe facebook? i cant remember where). and i knew deep within my soul (and i dont care how hippie-religious that sounds! ;) i was meant to watch, read, experience this story.

so i tried what most recently-introduced-to-the-wonderful-world-of-downloading person would do, tried to download it! but it hadnt even been in theaters yet, and its weird b.c usually i dont hear about movies until its been out a while and people on facebook are going on about them, but this movie was seeking me! (yes im THAT in love with this story, and THAT hippie-religious!)
i couldn’t find the movie. so i tried to download the book and hit the jackpot when it was the audiobook and not a text version! (reading too much txt on my computer gives me crazy headaches!) this audio book is AMAZING-- much better when the authors themselves read. her voice, her expression, her depth, her honesty, her cries for help, her songs of joy, the way she subtly expresses the various accents she encounters and her delicate italian, all make for an inspiring experience.
one woman who said she "tried" to read the book said she had to “throw it down” b.c it was “ridiculous how she thinks that everyday people can just up and leave their lives and responsibilities to go on a year of exploring these countries to “find themselves”” (she really snotted up her tone when she said that part).
and of course, many people cant just up and leave and go on a spiritual journey through three countries… but that’s not what the book is about. shes not telling us that that’s the only way to enlighten ourselves. what I got from it was that we all need to find ways to incorporate those main cultural beliefs she expresses of each of them. the pleasure and relaxation and enjoyment of food and drink of italy, the deep meditative mindset and dedication of spirit of india, and the balance of life and simple living in indonesia. besides, if we all (like, billions of us) jumped on a plane to go do what she did, we wouldn’t get the same outcome b/c all of us seekers and scramblers would over flow the place and change the whole dynamic and ruin it all anyhow!
the book is about personal discovery. personal analysis. making changes to live more balanced and in tune and honest with out own desires and purpose in life.

there is so much to this book that I could blog for days about it!
here are some of the things I jotted during the movie:

(even tho I mentioned this above, I feel the need to reiterate here again:

I think we all need to posses a little of each idea from all 3 countries: italy, india, indonesia. its about finding the balance, mixed with pleasure, trust, and dedication. when we are living in balance, the earth will then too live in balance.
this movie/book is trying to get those ideas into the mainstream media (even tho its tootin’ the heterosexual horn like SOO many other movies, but that’s hard to avoid, especially when it’s a personal story of relationships, but ill save the heterosexual regurgitation in movies rant for another blog!)
with more and more people in the masses beginning to open up to these ideas, it should surely help that shift that’s inevitably needing to happen.

(i also have paragraph bitching about the previews before this movie. i dislike so many movies out there… its always the same stereotype bullshit. again, ill save that for another blog!)

another thing I love about the movie is the choice of music. stevie nicks, neil young, pearl jam, all sorts of inspiring lyrics and sounds throughout.

i believe julia roberts. shes playing the role so well. how many of us have actually cried like that? pouring our souls out through our eyes, dying inside for change.

the audiobook was a KABILLION times better than the movie. the depth of which it goes into culture, history, language, emotions, they cant really capture all of that in a 2.5 hour movie (im also delighted it was a 2.5 hour movie! if it was shorter i may have been disappointed).

ive had a recurring thought throughout this movie: lord, i relate to THAT!

i wish i were warmer, it’s a tad chilly here in the theater.

getting married makes me go: hmmm. At least the only thing holding me on to my mr is my word and physical reality. i really don’t need a piece of paper and a made-up societal bond forcing us to stay together if we ever decided to call it quits. imagine! him having the power to simply not sign a piece of paper, bonding me to him forever! NO FRIGGIN WAY DUDE! lol

i walked through italy in a fight with my bf at the time. i relate to the italy part in so many ways! eating a lot of delicious food, drinking a lot of zealous wines, strolling along ogling every detail of the art and structures and people, all with simmering relationship bullshit humming my undertone. i only wish i had drank more and eaten more--I wouldnt trade the distance and stress between us at the time, it helped confirm that we were over-over. i enjoyed every moment of my drunken, full-belly alone bliss. following behind the flock of travelers in our group. i was alone. i was slightly sad. but i was in ITALY!

the thanksgiving part was much too different. in the book its much more tear-jerking I think.

oh, i love the scene where she's frantically being driven through the streets, with her hand out the window and all the kids reaching for her, i feel it. see purpose in it. will do that. with passion

omg her thoughts are soo much like mine!

“do u always talk in bumper sticker?” lol a fave line for sure.

i don't like how she seems much harsher with richard from texas in the movie.

the scene with richard missing his son was powerful, real. and need to be seen by a lot of people. anyone who might relate. the msg I got from it: forgive ourselves before its too late and make changes while we still can.

i cant wait to take a vow of silence!!! i've been saying it for years! but i can't do it with kids, especially when there's one learning the basics of language- that would be cruel. but i will eventually!

smile meditation! i LOVE it. a friend began saying that to me several years ago, it has stuck with me. and in psychology class we discussed the power of one little smile. SMILE OUT LOUD AND FEEL IT! (do it. right here right now! doooo it! :)