i dont overly care what ppl think about me...

... but i like to provoke thought...

spot the difference and explain things to me...

i thought this was interesting... the fact that in two columns i look a little different and a little "chubbier” than i do on the other two (quiz #1: can anyone name the two im talking about!? ;) i noticed that i more liked the two that were brighter and somehow look a little thinner (upon closer observation.)

i dont mean 'chubby' by much... but theres a subtle difference in size. also, in those chubby ones, I can see more details; like the lines under my eyes, the freckles on my face, and changes in color and things.

i guess i ran with this in a blog b/c of the things ive read/watched about the medias effects (especially in advertising) on perceptions. even the exact same photo of me can look different with a simple change in contrast. (i did the color for fun ;) and I think I like one more than the other b/c im thinking one resembles the images in the media a little tiny bit more than the other one does (thinner, clearer skin!)

for me, it poses questions like: what might this be creating in human minds—seeing altered images of other humans so frequently--not seeing the reality of how other humans actually look? does it matter at all? can it affect me in any way? or am i mature and intelligent enough to know it’s not real and to never harbor any judgment (subconscious or not) towards anyone (including myself!) who doesn’t look like (or similar to) those images? OR am i just overzealously analyzing something that doenst need thinking about?

to further the discussion, i dont really look EXACTLY like this picture all the time either. when i look down like that when i get out of bed in the morning, there’s no way i always look that calm and beautifully content-- no way (and i was pregnant in this photo!)

so seeing as some photos totally enhance my over all appearance, and if i am bombarded with unrealistic images ALL THE TIME… aren’t i left to compare my real-life looking self with digitally altered images?

even the subtle techniques, like black & white and sepia, can make me look a little different—so, imagine the pictures that are being created by big magazines and advertizing agencies!? (sometimes they crop pieces of several different women(!) and paste them together to make up one woman(!)!!! how unnatural (and untruthful!) is THAT!? why do they do it? are humans natural appearances not good enough to sell things or play roles in things? why do people need to create these unnatural images? are they really trying to make me feel bad about myself so i will buy/watch/cry/what?! i don’t see any point in it.

over the years, i really have noticed that i dont really like many pictures of me.
and i have noticed that same thing in people i know- not all people, but some people.
some times i only like pictures of me that have been altered in some way (over-exposer is a popular favorite amongst some people who feel this way!)
photos that look too much like me make me feel disfigured in some way(s)! it’s so awful! it’s a friggin’ pandemic!

by saying: “too much like me” i mean: showing any of my zits, freckles, lines, colors, dimples, hairs… that "noise" in photos that is airbrushed out of photos. the real life beauty marks that make our bodies human- those are the things i (and other people) dislike about some of my photos. The real me/us. Those altered images contrast and erase any of that! it’s kinda really sick if you think about it deeply.

its very… frankenstein. digital disfigured images making real life people feel like they look disfigured! IMAGINE!?!? What’s the world come to!! how can we give something that much control over us and not even really realize it? most of the effects seem very unconscious/subconscious (not helping one of the widest spread of human diseases- crushed self confidence!)

but again, all of this is just speculation— maybe I have no idea— maybe people don’t compare themselves to the digitally altered images that are smeared all over the entertainment and business sides of society— and maybe no one is ever consciously or subconsciously affected by it—maybe it’s just me…

and hey, maybe i do look exactly like this photo all the time— maybe.

i dont hate christmas anymore!

Christmas time is really a time that can force us to reflect on our lives a little bit extra. Really makes us haul out thee old microscope and get us looking at certain things. Analyze the homestead, so they say.

I think our subconscious drives--mentally, physically, energetically- prolly all the same thing really-- somehow all get extra heightened during the Christmas Season; perhaps because of some kind of pervious pain (or pleasure!) related to this time of year… maybe because of all the pressure (or happy-vibes!) felt by us around the holidays.

Everyone experiences Christmas differently. Some people become holy, cheerful, enlightened Santa gawds* spreading joy and love and apple cinnamon wherever they go! (*I use this spelling of “gods” to be somewhat, self-pleasingly, unisex about it. I tend to create spellings for myself ;) Some people do genuinely feel the “love this season brings”. They’re the ones who love red and green and candy canes, who have holiday music in their voices- not only in their speakers. I love that about those people! I may end up as one of Those people sometime! Those are the people who great tv movies are made about!

But for some. Christmas is sometimes not full of cheer and care and rumballs.
Christmas can be a very stressful, depressing time of year. It’s the time of year when feeling shitty feels like the only option, or maybe that it might be ok… hoping that all the overly-happy people are picking up the slack of the negative people, to keep the human balance going.

I think there are many variants along the line of extremes of what happens inside all people during this time of year.

This Christmas Eve Eve (not to be confused with Christmas Eve ;), I’m having a major sinus headache all day. (trying to work past it, but feeling exhausted and slightly annoyed is preventing the full relief I have been wishing for all day.) I’m not in a devastatingly negative mood… but my spirits have definitely faltered today.

For me, since the age of about 12-13, i vividly remember Christmas being a time filled with tears and worry and rageful feelings of being alone and isolated.
Even in the midst of huge family gatherings, full of aunts and uncles and cousins and more- I felt alone. Scared. Awkward. Different. Disliked. Depressed. Pitiful.

I’m not sure if the reasons for my fear and worry stem only from those two Christmases in a row, when my grandmother got sick with cancer and then died- because for years later the tears and worry and loss were brought on by thoughts of my nan throughout my life—I always said that’s why I was so depressed and why I “hated Christmas” so much (yes, for over a decade of my life I “hated Christmas”!)
I could just start picturing memories of nan and me and flood into a downward spiral of depression—and stay there- and somehow like it and hate it all at the same time.
But now I’m wondering if there are underlying reasons as to why I felt so depressed this time of year for so long. I always thought it was because of losing nan, my second mother. But, now, after three months into a spiritual Yogic Enlightenment Studies program, I'm starting wonder if it may have stemmed deeper than that—that with some deeper reflection of the past, I can kinda see I have felt unhappy about Christmas long before my nan got sick.
I think whatever the root pain is for me, it’s why, even today, I “suffer” from a sinus pain that makes me “moody” and “non-festive”.
It appears that the last 6-7 years has gotten less and less dramatic around Christmas for me… I don’t cry so much about my nan any more… and I have even gone so far as to say “ I love Christmas!” and actually get in the mood and love the decorations, the music, the colors, the smells, the excitement of the kids, all of that… most days (still some moments i feel the tug of bahumbug, but i quickly notice and it slips away again- for a while longer). And that is such a huge evolution from where I was when I was a teen- very dark places.

This holiday season, I’m grateful that I started shinning some light on some of the darker areas of my life—there’s still a scattered sinus headache, worry and stressor around this time of year… and I still have a ways to go before I’m dressing as mrs clause, hand making Christmas ornaments and directing school plays. But. I don’t hate Christmas anymore! :)

One thing that annoys me about this whole “blog thing”...

...is that after so much time passes and I realize I haven’t posted anything for a while, I start wanting to post something really badly, but cant decide what to write about and end up writing about the fact that I cant write (I have a ton of these types of paragraphs. It’s really quite annoying.)

So then I think: HAY! Ill pick something that I’ve jotted down or thought about over the last little while and post one of those! -then I see just how many blog-type things I have written, and cant decide for the life of me which one to actually finish and post.

I also have a ton of “that’d be a great blog topic” ideas… but I cant seem to find the energy or time or creativity to get into one of them—because it feels like SUCH a big idea (maybe it is, maybe it isn’t, either way that’s how it feels to me about some times lol)

I really get inspired to write new things by reading other blogs about so many other topics--I have  a million things I could say about pretty much anything I read, see or experience.  But, for some reason… I don’t.

And what about the million things that happened in my own life, with my own kids, friends, and family, self, and animals and whatever else—I could write a thousand blogs a day on that stuff alone! (but id be too busy writing to really get to hang out in the moments of those things… trying to live in the present moment can really bring writing to a halt at times. I need to make time to be present in at least some moments to write! Neeeeeds to!)

So many things I could blog about… so many things I don’t blog about.

I want to write more. I want to fit it in my daily routine more.

I do write—but I don’t read back, edit and complete—seems those are key factors in posting on a blog.

I should spend sometime very soon and pick one thing I’ve written in the last little while and try to edit it into a  blog. (Sometimes, something’s I start out with end up wanting to be turned into books… which leads to them being put in the folder titled: “ill finish this someday ” (which is equal to my: “ill put that there so I know what it is”. *stay tuned for a future post on what that really means*)

Wonder if/when I’ll post something else here.


Maybe if I played with the design of the blog ill be more prone to hang out and write there more.

Lets see…