no where is totally a place...

some conversations go there all the time.

trying to write and also be a stay-at-home mom (of children and pets) poses over-lapping moments that i could maybe do without.

for the most part, its quite smooth for an hour or more steady some days, tho most times im only getting snippets of lines jotted down randomly thorough out the day; on the macbook, on my cellphone or a scrap of paper. It looks like a verbal accident scene if you step back and look at it, words and letters and typos strewn between the technologies and random pieces of paper and notebooks i have everywhere.

so for the most part, those writing hours or moments are often quite zen and relaxing and joyfully overwhelming when i think about them too much. I love sitting there writing or reading, and taking a split moment to look around the room and revel in the surroundings that are my life. baby playing joyfully next to me with books or blocks or fake fruit or paper and a marker, meg either out with her friends or reading or playing next to me or in the other room, drew off doing his things somewhere in the house or the world, a dove probably on my head or cooing on the railing, ralfee the bestest puppy in the world snoozing next to me, the bunny sitting with ears popped up , wiggling from her chewing, the plants being their amazing selves just happy to be there in the room with us, its quite relaxing and productive for us all really.

But then randomly, as im sitting there lost in some world or idea im blabbering about, something over-excitable happens to snap me out of my world. sometimes mid-word. Either ralfee will start her thunderously vicious barking as if someone with a gun just ran in here or the dove will fly outta nowhere and feathers will attack me in a gust of fluttery wind and thats enough to scare the crap out of some ppl no matter what theyre doing!, or drew will sing out something random to think about or ask a question about something (more than likely asking where something is;), or meg will run up to me about something important or just walk in the room singing something randomly loud.
Or perhaps: sunara will all-of-a-sudden get tremendously upset about something, letting a huge freak-out shriek from wherever she is in the room-sometimes right next to my head. That gets my heart pumping! Like wtf is wrong..are you IN PAIN!?!?
The worst moments are when something happens in mid sentence, scaring the crap out of the thought and making it run away forever!
I just barely feel the grammar of the emotion or idea, had it slightly brewing waiting to be eloquently formed in a sentence, but it wasnt brewing quiet long enough, you couldnt even tell there had been a teabag in the water by the looks of of those few watery words i poured out. (wait, yeah its awkward sometimes when i try to run with a metaphor)-
But the point: the thought is GONE!
The first 3 or so words hang awkwardly in the white air and i tune out for a split second (which means i take a nano-moment to myself, out of the room, of a barking dog, bird flying at my head, or baby screaming from down by my feet) to try and see if i could just type the rest of it really fast, just for a second, surely it wont take longer than a second, to have a thought that i just had! b.c i realllly want to get that thought out, i really really do...or maybe,sadly, DID want to get it out... GUH stupid short term memory. I think apple should do the next version of the human brain- the wordprocessor saves all words as i type! If theres a program failure, all i have to do wait for the recovery to pop up and open it again and VOILA! there it is, in all its genius glory! See, if the human brain worked like that, i could just jump up and go to whatever the interruption was and safely trust the idea will pop right back up when i sit to finish the line. Pfft. That hasnt happened yet.

I usually have to take my nano-moment and sit and pray for the rest of the words to appear, just hurrying the thought to come out, hurry hurrrrry, it should only take a second right? I DID just have this thought didnt i? WHERE THE HELL IS THE THOUGHT! AHGHGGHHH!

Then, over my overzealously loud inner voice, I hear the dog bark or the question repeated or feel poop on my face from the bird, or the baby freaks-out and screams at me again: MOOOMMMMYYEEEEEEE!!
if its her: sometimes i look at her, and it appears there is nothing wrong. Im like, you interrupted this glorious thought for NOTHING? But i smile ... and move on.
(for the record! : all that too took way longer to read about, and even more 'way longer' to write about, than it took to actually happen, its not like i sit for hours and let my baby scream on the floor (havent gotten hate mail yet, surely something will trigger it eventually, ill always try to offer some words to cover my ass, i mean, explian myself.)

i know random interruptions are inevitable, its all in how i deal with them that must count.
so i try to always graciously put down my desire of finishing the thought and go to the kid, or the person, or the dog, or the door, or the phone, try to figure out what this interruption wants with me.
I take the opportunity to give the law of attraction a chance to prove itself to me again, so i gratefully remind myself that the line will probably finish it self sometime, or the idea will come about again in some other way when its ready, or (depending on my mood that day) wont and that line may have been my only chance to positively change the course of my entire life and the universe forever and now its GONE GONE GONNNE!!!
breathe in.
Breathe out.
Make fun of myself in blog form.

Custom Search

A blog about the ads that are on my blog (working title, someone told me to title it that lol)

(i also thought to title it: NOOOO DONT CLICK THOSE ADS!)

bahahaha so i was interested in finding out more about the adsense option, see if its true that its easy to making money from google. I was very curious as to how it works and what kinds of ads would be posted and if any income would ever generate from it.

At first it seemed mostly harmless, all i saw were these listed:
do you have a BLOG?
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Find Blogspot Templates Here. We Have Every Template, Visit Now!
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then i saw one for twilight and one for baby formula and i was like: NO WAY! Lol so i tried to go and contact the adsense people and ask if i can chose from a list of ads i will allow on my blog... but that was taking forever and i only came to a page that read:
Server Error
The server encountered a temporary error and could not complete your request.
Please try again in 30 seconds.
so i really dont think they are going to be easy to get in touch with about this lol

and as i was searching to contact, i hear from the other room: haha tammy, theres an ad for formula on your blog! Haha and one “to meet fun catholics in your area”... yeah you should do a blog about you blog ads ..
haha yip, and here i am! These ads dont sit well with me!
but im going to try see if i can choose what i want there or im deleting this experiment for good and continue my search for a decent blog site to use.
It cant be this way, there has to be a better way! lol
(for the record: if you click them, i somehow might make money, feel feel to try it out and ill let you know what happens,lol hurry tho, sale probably wont last long!)

how i compare the iphone and blackberries

(first of all, the iphones powerful title "the" gives it more oopmh than the blackberries generalized term. (*check one* for theee iphone!)

i see blackberries as overzealous phones with the awesome power to check emails and do a lot more than your typical cell phone and has a wicket fun blackberry chat and can store lots of semi-decent pics, tho at a rate that which you should expect from a cell phone.

but i see the iphone as mini super-duper macbook! it can do most online things as fast (or sometimes faster!) than some macbooks or laptops and computers. but its just smaller and more portable, and the pics are way better and fun to look at, very fast interface (*check two* and *check three* and *four* and *five* for the iphone)

for the record, they both have equally good call quality. tho the iphone has the very cool looking interface for dialing and other call options (*check six*)

and thats my quick jot-note about the two... tho im totally leaving out a LOT... but. whateve.

soak it up.. soak it all up.

when my oldest daughter was very young, a friend of mine described her, and all young children, as being “sponges”. that analogy has stuck with me through the years, i saw what she meant and i loved it. over the years i have decided to feel my sponge-like nature as much as i can... as i grow i dont want to become the alternative: an old dried up, hard, non-absorbent piece of material (im talking sea sponge, out of the ocean, drying on land in the hot sun all summer long hardness, ever see that? ;) I want to continue to absorb whatever i can around me. I may not be the youthful, highly absorbent, brand new, just-out-of-the-package sponge i used to be... might have some worn and crusty edges but im working to not ever be entirely hardened.

the secret...

that is all.
(inside joke)

peek-a-boo i-see-you.. do you see me?


i know i was trying to say something about running into people that i know and not saying hello to them or noticing them not saying hello to me .. only i was tryin way too hard to be poetic during that first sentence and lost all sight of what the heck i was trying to say.

i, for the most part, love saying hello to people i know when i run into them randomly.
Even if it will be slightly (or painfully) awkward. (tho there are times when im just not in the mood to talk or go through any introductions if im with other people)
i usually always make sure to have good thoughts or feelings about people i see that i know.

but when i notice that someone seems as though they are ignoring or avoiding me, i sometimes get paranoid, (or maybe its being perceptive and im actually picking up on something that person is thinking or feeling, (tho, trusting in intuition, has been argued, to run the risk of being wrong and trusting in too much of your own personal stories and beliefs about that person. Maybe what i think that person must be thinking or feeling about me, really is only a paranoid delusion created by some entity inside myself (i like to call it “ego”). how do i know the intuition, that i work so hard to trust, is accurate and something that i should trust?)

So sometimes when people seemingly “ignore me”, i wonder if they even remember who i am? Maybe they dont recall meeting me or knowing me at all. if notice someone avoiding my eye contact, i wonder things like: do they not like me? did i offend them or disgust them in any way? have i done something, to them or someone they know? do they [think] they know something about me?
but sometimes, i try to reassure myself, and think: hey, maybe theyre just not in a talking sort of mood.

so how do i know the things im thinking of the people in my life are the things that are right and i should be believing?

i have to work to remain open-minded about it all. trust that i pose the ability to trust my intuition and guide, and to still act from a place of love and hope to change any held perceptions some person may hold of me into something more in the present moment, right now, when it truly counts.

all we really can give each other is our undivided love and attention and quest for creativity while we are in the same room and breathing/being space- no matter what past preconceived notions may have left us thinking.

obviously it may be hard sometimes to say hello to everyone in a room or public building, and even more impossible to run on deeply creative driven conversations, but i like to try and slip those types of convos in there too.

if we cant psychically say hi or anything more, its the smile across the room to say “hey, i know you!? How ya doin!?” that counts. we can have those little moments. they count just as much as the big long drawn out, creative driven ones!

wonder what people think? wonder what they feel? wonder do they ponder self-created ego stories about things about me and themselves, that may or may not be true? or wonder if they simply feel the love, and that is it. just wanting to smile at me and be smiled at by me.

oh people! us messed up, confused, amazing creatures!

the key to making sure you understand what a movie is about... actually paying attention, and not being on facebook ;)
thinks bell island should threaten to separate, just for the fun on open-line.

How can we be expected to live up to some higher potential during those times when it takes over 5 mins or more sometimes to do the stupidest little things?

Like pouring up a drink for my 2 yr old. I should only have to open the fridge, open the lids of the milk and the cup and pour, right? What? less than a minute at least?! But sometimes theres sooooo much more added to these things-to-do!
picture this: shes crying up at me wanting a drink so bad its bringing tears to her eyes, im trying to console her and open the fridge and her cup at the exact same time, i end the struggle with the cup and poke the lid under my arm and proceed to opening the soymilk carton IN the fridge, to save time (it would take FOREVER to bring it to the counter now!), and i unfortunately drop the small cover down between the rails of the shelf (causing later, an added 5 min, deep-fridge search for it!), i take the milk out of the fridge holding it in one hand at the table, where i have attempted to stand up the cup (with my right hand!), only i drop the cup, pick the cup back up, drop the cup once more, pick it up again, sit it down, and then knock it down once more with the carton being too close, then finally standing it back up, begin filling it up, which is when i look down at her quickly with a smile and some calming words of love to her semi-screams and tears, i jump back into getting this job done, finish the last lil drop in and spill a plop of milk all over the side of the cup forming a small soymilk puddle on the table, i move on quickly beginning the work of twisting the lid back on, which sometimes happens with the ease of which youd expect, but sometimes, like this time, it put up that questionable struggle where the lines and groves just didnt line up at all and i was left struggling to twist that sucker back on, while trying not to splash more milk up over the side and also begin working my way over to the dish cloth to clean up the side of the cup- before handing it to little thirsty crying fingers who i want to keep clean of milk- upon which i canNOT for the life of me seem to get to b.c this friggin lid just wont go back on! I finally reach the cloth (after a good nano-nano second- which can be understood as being a lifetime if you look deeply enough), i wrap it around the cup, use the rest of the cloth to grip the lid and finally, magically figure out the tongue and groove lid and put it in place) i reach back while cleaning the cup in a smooth motion of pure joy knowing my baby will have her milk in just a few more nano seconds and she gets it and smiles and puts it to her lips and i smile and then walk to get the milk and go to pick it up but its slippery and it falls on the table, spilling another plop of milk on the table, luckily i have the cloth so i get it wiped up right away and then begin the 5 min search for the lid. * AIR EXHALING DEEPLY *

Now. I know it may have seemed i overdramatized the entire situation, but i assure you thats a pretty accurate description of something that shouldve have been quicker and more efficient, only ending up taking a 7-8 min prolonged turn of events.

are those types of moments significant in any way? or is it just the way of life? the mundane nuances of being humans, needing drinks, having mini freak accidents interfere, things that didnt seem to need any planning or didnt seem like it would waste any energy at all, ending up burning what could be considered a lot of precious time and energy in our moments.

so, maybe its simply our reaction to these moments that count the most. yeah. Maybe we have to blog about EVERY SINGLE ONE OF them to figure em all out! ;)

morning self loathing...

upon dabbing some concealor on some spots on my face, my 2 yr old stands on her tippy-toes with her finger touching her face making a noise indicating she wants some too, i say: oh you dont need this baby, your face is perfection! .. then i felt how gut-wrenchingly self abusive that comment was.. ugh.
oh well.. lets go for a hike!! :)

there is a definite difference between girls and boys... all you have to do is watch two of each on a trampoline, above them on the deck. (and more random stuff towards the end...)

the boys stand up and bounce towards each other and crash onto their butts and start wrestling. the girls stand up and say to me: wrestling? why do boys wrestle? its so violent! *both scruntcing up their faces, while one flings her hand out in an expressively disgusted mannor*

im like yeah: it is. why do they? i dont like it either. or boxing."
they both shuddered at the thought of boxing! and hand-flinger girl says, while punching the air: but i love it on wii!! knock out!! 1-2-3-and proceeds to 10(i was going to write all the numbers here just now, to make you read 'em, but im not sure i wouldve captrued the loud, announcer voice she bellowed out anyhow, so there was no point really... and you wouldve only skimmed 'em and i wouldve had to write 'em all out and that takes time, tho maybe not as much as writing this bracket space did. meh.)

her liking it on wii just shows that she enjoys the game of it, but without the violence. if the chartcaters werent so cute and slightly loveable and there was any amount of blood at all, theres no way shed ever play it.
but for some reason those boys play those gory fighting games with lots and lots and more and more blood-just-not-enough-blood!!! (guh!)

i wonder if there are young girls who like the violence as much as the boys do, and who actually play fight and roughly wrestle each other randomly? maybe. tho i dont see many school age girls acting like that or choosing those games. hmm i kinda wana find this out. are there kid-age girls who wrestle and play those video games like those 2 boys tonight? hmm

well. enough of that...
on with this:

the one thing i dislike about the wii characters is the sore looser attitude of them when they lose! they bow their heads in shame... sad, pathetic shame. why cant they stand back and clap their hands, cheering for their opponent? theres no need of teaching that negative loser attitude.

but... my attention switches:

i love babies natural use of “no”. when the 18 mth old shakes her head 'no' at someone or a question, she means NO darnit! a kid on a trampoline leaned in for kisses and she shook her head but he continued to come close, she halted her bounce and screamed and looked him in the face and then shook her head again and continued on her fun little bounce-walk. and he sat back and smiled.

heres where i added: "thats right, no means no. whenever someone says "no" to stop you from getting in their faces, you have to listen and stop!" (peerrrfect. i love getting lil tid-bits out like that to a group of kids ;)

oh and something else random:

working to 'figure out how to live', is really worth the effort. its really about taking your mind and placing it in every moment you find yourself in. its as easy and as hard as that.
being fully aware of all movements and thougths and conversations help calm the mind and help function in a more refined state. and help your personal evolution along at a more efficient rate.

but, sadly for our human development, its easy to get taken away by the fairies of the mind, those thoughts and worries and egoic fantasies and desires and random non-existent dialogues we somehow seem to have with ppl who know nothing about them at all. (annnd im only comfortable saying this now in my life, out loud on a blog, b.c i know its not only me and im not entirely insane or special for being those ways at times and i know that i can overcome anything and everything and i love that i have been learning how to consciously work on it at all. im happy i finally see it, see through it, even tho i will still slip up at times, at least for a while longer. maybe someday i will reach that level of pure joy and no slipping up. but until now. ill enjoy those moments when they pass. b.c they suck while theyre going on!)

anyhow... i rambled a lot after i sat down to post that. ill leave it at this and that.

be open to being wrong....

hold your views with importance and dedication, but dont hold them so tightly that you cant mould them or until you squish them gruesomely leaving nothing identifiable in your hands.
going into any situation or conversation believing you will learn something new or tweak an old belief will give way to tremendous growth and experience. it keeps you from being shut off from yourself. it aids in gaining knowledge about yourself, sometimes the universe gives you hints and clues about things you need to change or figure out, and sometimes it spells it right out plainly through someone else yelling at you. those moments, and all the other ones, are all there for reasons. you may not have to consciously pay attention to all of them, but i think being open to possibility that you can is important.
and be sure to have views... dont fear sharing them, for someone else just might learn something through you.

sometimes i feel im choking on my need for conversations

i feel i am lacking deep, philosophical conversations. i want to have a group of ppl who meet to talk and brainstorm and delve deep into ideas, in ways most ppl dont care to do.
i feel as though im seeking a group of ppl to work with and create with.
i feel i cant do it all on my own... "all" being the million things i want to be apart of and create, things i dont even know yet!
how can i meet ppl? where can i go? maybe i need to join a group? i dont know.
i feel alone and much too independent.
one of these days im going to be sitting in a room of ppl and smile and be grateful for finally finding these ppl and their wonderful brains!!
until then, i will actively draw them to me somehow.

makin' use of litter:

pickin up dog poop with a found chip bag.

list of 10 random things you probably shouldnt blog about:

10: questionable things youve done when you thought no one was looking or would find out about.
9: things you hate about the ppl you know
8: your "number"... (ya know..)
7: things you dislike about your body (no one needs that negative energy, especially you!)
6: laws youve broken and ones you may be planning to
5: secrets your partner tells you about his/her family and friends
4: movie star gossip... because its a waste of time and energy
3: things you think ppl you know are doing "wrong" in their lives
2: detailed lists and examples of your bodily functions
1: stupid list of things you probably shouldnt blog about

one thing ive learned to be important:

feeling at home no matter where i am.
at home on my couch or in bed, sitting by a lake watching the ducks, or on a busy street with thousands.
i think its helping me feel more and more at home in my own skin :)

"perception is reality"

a woman i know always said: perception is reality. when i pondered that first (7 years ago) it was very elusive. but as i thought about it more over the years, i saw the truth in that statement in so many ways (and still become true in new ways all the time!) 
think about the all different 'perceptions' happening simultaneously, in every moment, changing from one minute to the next, how many 'realities' might that be?  
a lot more than just one, that little one we have individually. 
what might that mean for us? for humanity? for evolution? wouldnt it mean that we have much more responsibility and control over society and individuals and evolution than some humans believe and are currently living up to? 
wouldnt it mean that we can change and affect other peoples realities, therefore society as a whole, merely by interaction? say or do something to make them feel good and they feel good, make them feel bad and then feel bad. but if we question them about their choices or ways, then its up to them how they respond? and if we throw out things to ponder then we create a little thought in the world (or maybe just look crazy to the ones who cant think so much). 

random acts of profanity.. i mean, profound-ity...

you know you just thought something very profound when u say out loud in a bathtub: shit! that was so fuking profound!
("fuck" being used in its positive sentence enhancing way! :)

we are tools used by active evolution, the personal is evolutionary.

Feminism = Person-ism... it's all up to us to evolve. 

I didn't realize the feminist women I met were such a small minority (I thought I was the only one left in the world to be introduced!) I guess when you find yourself in a university type setting, in rooms full of women (and men!) all seeming to be of like mind, or wanting to be at least, it's hard to imagine the countless other women (and men) out there that have not sat in those rooms and were not introduced to such enormous revelations (some revelant, others maybe not so much... that's left to the individual really). 

I also didn't realize the term "feminism" gets such slack and resistance. That I was going to be attacked and questioned and labeled in such harsh ways as I did when I first 'came out' as a feminist. I felt love for all people, I saw such discrepancies in the way men and women are and treat each other and react to one another. I saw the good, the bad, the WTF? And i got a bit of slack when I would talk about it (especially in front of drunk men! WHOA do some of them NOT wana hear anything about feminist views!)

Since taking a break from university it became more evidant to me that not all women (and men!) think alike about things concerning women and women's issues. Some women dont think AT ALL about things concerning women, especially in a historic or societal sense. And some even think there's nothing to think about "anymore", that women and men are completely equal which means there's nothing left to "feminism" (there's so much wrong with that, that I cant even get into it right now!) 

The most memorable quote and standpoint I recall from those courses concerning women is: the personal is political. (and this to me, is about women AND men, not just women!)

I try to take that approach with everyone I meet now. Each personal story and circumstance is very much polticial in nautre, meaning it possesses vital public concern. 

How we personally react to ourselves and each other are roots of where women (and men!) have grown in the world, and can be used to predict where women (and men!) are headed, therefore they can be altered and replanted and used to grow us into being where we want to be... living up to our potential by creating it in deeper ways, as well as evolving society/humanity as a whole.

It is up to us personally to evolve. To evolve all women and all men into the next phase of human consciousness. We all have to work on it (or if not 'all', at least more of us have to). 

Work on not being unconsciously, mindlessly driven by our subconscious, other people, the media, fear, illness, anything that isn't our truth. 

We must learn about things that please us, interests us and is somehow involved with others. Take ourselves seriously. Respect ourselves and other people. Eat healthy and more and more sustainable (this is a process!) We must be kind to ourselves. Make progress in the everyday things- and not hold things against ourselves when we slip up (letting go and forgiving asap). We must hold great hope for the future. Believe we can make a difference-and then start making it, one step at a time. Live in a limitless mindset, while respecting the environment. Treat everyone as our best friends. Trust time and what it has in store for us. Know that things are where they should be and we are on your way to pure joy. We must connect with each other more and more, in deeper ways. And we must love all children as the wonderful gifts of human potential they are (even when they stress us out! ;)  

Remember: we are tools used by active evolution, what we think and do is important to the human condition. We play a larger role, individually, than we might think we do. We are essential. 

Start now by smiling at something you love about yourself. 


painting with a windy soul (attempting to express inexpressible emotions, tho didnt really succeed ;)

i went to a grassy place, to sit 'n paint a painting.
i stopped 'n looked back on the path i had taken;
the wind blew strong in my face,
lashing my hair back behind me.
then i turned back around, to where i was going,
my teary eyes peaked through winding hair,
that rushed out 'round the front of my face.
my vision flowed along a blustery gale, 
directed upon signal hill; towards the narrows and the tower.
i believed in my tears and my aching heart
that my eyes sped up the wind.
i looked upon the miraculous view,

feeling the moment energize my cells.
i felt inside the power of the universe,
and hoped to not lose sight of it again, 
and questioned why i do. 

peace lennon