*and i love footnotes.
the thing i like about blogging so far, is that its making me want to only talk about mostly good things, or at least, not-so-great things in a more positive light.
im glad i didnt have access to a blog back about 8-12 yrs ago. I think i would have put a lot of negative thoughts and vibes out there, b/c that, for some unfortunate reason, was where i was constantly inside with a lot of things (see how i just spoke about something not-so-great in a more positive way there? Yeah. Thats what i mean).
But back then, i think i wouldve* expelled many fears and angry thoughts about things or people, perhaps mostly myself. And im not sure that wouldve done anyone any good.
(*random annoyance: ppl who spell it: would 'of' or could 'of', instead of would've or could've. the reason that it bugs me is b/c when i realized i did that, i felt so dumb! a prof simply stated: the terms 'would have' and 'could have' are shortened, therefore it is w-o-u-l-d-v-e and c-o-u-l-d-v-e (as she wrote them on the chalk board). now to some, the ones who'of* known this all their lives (*hehe), or at least found out and realized it at a young age, will probably look at me like im extremely simple. but they need to understand, not everyone just knows this kind of info! One must be told it by someone, or plainly see it for themselves.)
back to that....
i guess, im really just assuming that i would have been expressively negative back then. I dont REALLY know for sure. maybe back then i wouldve been too scared to say anything, especially bad things,- for fear of what people might think!
i dont care as much these days about what other people think. its more like, i fear what they may be thinking... wondering if the curse of human unnecessary negativity has them captive- like it does so many. some of our thoughts can be very damaging, unproductive thoughts.
so is it really up to us to change them? isnt that impossible? wont that be really really difficult? (i think: yes, no, and yes... and totally worth the trying!)
I feel this way about thinking b.c ive thought about some scary places my mind has gone (and goes!) and other places it couldve went, i also hear/read a lot of places other ppls minds go and usually are.
I became very interested in thought when i began reading (and therefore, thinking) about thoughts.
I cant remember the initial, definitive moment when i heard/read the concept of thinking about your thoughts, im pretty sure it was in psych 1001, maybe it was in a book, maybe it was in the psych book! But i do know i have read a lot of theories and personal narratives about the idea since and how it can actually change your life.
Its about seeing the direction of your mind and your feelings and emotions, seeing where they tend to be and stray. see how they affect your mood and your thoughts and your body and other people around you. when you begin to "see" where they go, see what thoughts you mostly think, youll begin to note which ones are good and productive and which ones are neither of those things! the next step: working to control and stop the thoughts you dont need or are seemingly wasting energy on. when you notice them and want them to go away, all you have to do is think about them, give them attention and wish/pray they just go away, and then actively try and replace them with a good thought, or feeling, or just go pleasantly blank- which is the recommended option of buddhist belief. giving those moments that space to flee is what ive been working to do. they usually get automatically replaced by better ones as time goes on! :)
someone told me once: “i dont watch those movies or those shows, i try to control what i let into my perception”. he proceeded to explain what he felt about that... to me, it was amazingly refreshing and freeing. it honestly floored me and forever changed me... (a person whose childhood AND young adulthood, resided mostly in front of a tv set! if it were not for camping with my nan n pop and exploring the world with my friends sporadically, i never wouldve explored the surrounding woods and experienced that nature, i wouldve stayed watching all that was flashed in front of me continuously! and missing out on the little nature i did get, wouldve been an awful shame!)
what he said that day, and some other things i was reading and learning at the time, really created a pivot point in my life then- i began first by analyzing the things i did let into my perception... so many shows and movies and books contained images that i realized caused damage and are not good influences! some images made me wanna cry and learn more about frontal lobotomies! i wished i could take away so much of what i had seen as a very impressionable child/teenager (crap im still dealing with in some regards!)
figuring that out gave me the power to see that it was now up to me to figure out what i want to let into my perception (and to try and influence my kids with it- i cant completely censor everything my 10 yr old sees or experiences, but i can off words and listening ears to the things she does, and completely ban mtv and the like! ;)
i now only want to watch things that are uplifting, positive, freeing, or thought provoking in a real way. i watch mainly documentaries or stories filled with real life issues, and some seinfeld or friends every now and then... for the humor of it ;)
heading back to the title to end this rant:
blogging is awesome. it does give you full rein of creativity. like my un-use* of capital letters (unless im being loud and adding emphasis), and my slightly deranged idea to footnote compulsively at times.
(*and my funny way of makin up words, pretending that theyre real. if you can read, say it, spell it, define it, and use it in a sentence- its a word. especially if the word is clear to the reader... like, i could write an entire blog: lkie tihs: wrods cdoul eb all scrmbled pu, dna yduo sltil kown wath i* mnea.
*pirze for the person who shows me how to scramble the word: i.
and that is all.